Dear Diary
by more-profound-bond
Summary: Castiel Novak is working on Wall Street during the 80's when he meets Dean Winchester - his new boss. Will the romance bloom, despite the discrimination during that time? Rated M. I'd love if you gave it a read despite the crappy name and summary, they're not my forte.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, only the plot is mine.**

**Trigger warning: This chapter has a description of a panic attack, if you are triggered easily please do not read. I wouldn't want to be the cause of an attack, stay safe.**

**I recently read American Psycho (by Bret Easton Ellis) and it kinda made me want to write about Wall Street in the 80's. So a Destiel romance in the workplace it is, but don't worry, there aren't any serial killers.**

**Hope you enjoy the chapter!**

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_Tuesday 19th June (1982)_

Dear Diary,  
I have recently been informed by my therapist that I am required to keep a diary of my days so that I can get to the root of my troubles. Personally I render the exercise pointless, yet I am not paying her laughable sums of money to ignore her expertise. So here I am. I will keep in here the very depths of my work and social life, my 'thoughts and feelings' as it was referred to by Dr Harvelle - the therapist previously mentioned.

I have been suffering through some kind of nervous disorder in the recent months of my life, and I was referred to Dr Harvelle by an ex work colleague of mine, Robert (Bobby) Singer, we still remain in contact after I left my job at the law firm Caelum Vis on Cedar Street, for I believed it was there that I developed this nervous disorder. The boss was a very taxing woman. Mrs Naomi Tapping was her name, I believe the reason she was so taxing was due to her gender and status. She needed her employees to know that she was 'not to be messed with,' in her words. At the time that I am beginning this account of my life, I am 28 years of age, living in New York City. I am unattached for reasons that I am sure will become apparent throughout this diary.

I am certain now that that is enough background information for the readers of this diary, namely myself - Dr Harvelle said that she does not need to read it, she only needs to see evidence that I've written it so it is there as a 'back up' referral should anything significant happen in my mental stability. So now I can proceed with the first actual account of my life.

Today began positively, and surprisingly I can say the same for how it ended. I received a phone call saying that I have an interview for a new job on Wall Street at Domus Law, and that I should be present in the office at 12:00pm. At that moment it was 9:35am so I had plenty of time.  
As soon as I hung up, I had a warm shower, standing under the water for longer than necessary, just allowing myself to be engulfed by the steaming droplets rolling over my skin. I ensured to thoroughly wash my tangled hair so that I could look presentable. I then got dressed into a white under shirt and my ebony suit. I put on my best glossy black shoes.

After looking at my appearance in the mirror and being pleased with the image, I went into my 'over-the-top' kitchen and put together a salad, ignoring the protests that my stomach gave craving a cheap burger from Fast Fries, so that I would not feel bloated during my interview.

After non-sufficiently filling my stomach, it was 11:20, which gave me plenty of time to leave my apartment complex on East 65th Street to get to the building I hoped to work at.

Running outside I decided to get a coffee to help me keep up my energy through the interview. Despite the advice that coffee fuels panic attacks and such, I was tired and decided that it was worth the risk. I was wrong.

By the time I arrived at the building with half a cup of coffee in hand it was 11:50.

I walked up to the front desk and the receptionist, a red headed woman, seemed friendly enough.

"Hello, my name is Castiel Novak, I have been told to report to reception regarding an interview with Mr," I paused, stumbling to remember the name of the interviewer, "Mr Winchester."

"Woah there Mr Formalities, save all the posh speak for the interview." I smiled, though slightly confused; I was speaking as I normally would. "Talking of which, take the elevator to floor 34 and wait in the 'designated area' for Dea- sorry, Mr Winchester's secretary to call you in for your interview."

"Thank you, uh-" I leaned forward slightly to see her name tag, "Charlie."

"You're welcome." She grinned before adding, "And good luck!" I smiled back in thanks, before turning to the elevator.

As the elevator climbed, I felt the anxiety clouding over me. _I shouldn't have had that coffee, _I thought to myself. I felt my throat constricting as the elevator seemed to shrink around me. The sick feeling that I was so used to welled in my stomach and I had to bite my lip as if to prevent myself and the others in the elevator from seeing my salad again. It would certainly be even less appealing a second time. At each floor the doors opened to let somebody out and I had to prevent myself from fleeing the metal trap I was in. I had to remind myself constantly of the job that I could potentially get. If I had arrived earlier I could have got out and used the stairs, but now that would result in tardiness and that is something I find unacceptable.

I begrudgingly stayed inside the elevator until the doors opened at my floor. A rush of relief washed over me, momentarily overriding the anxiety. Yet it made its way back as I fumbled out of the elevator and into the 'designated area' to wait.

The open space of the area helped to calm my anxiety; I felt it gradually die out from the pit of my stomach. My breathing returned to normal as I waited, and the sick feeling passed. I checked my watch, it was now 12:10 and the delay in the interview annoyed me slightly. Yet as I was about to ask if I had the right time, I heard the secretary attempting to call me over.

"Mr Novak?" I turned my head to look over at the blonde woman. I walked over to her desk.

"Hello, yes I am Castiel Novak."

"I can see." She smiled; I briefly looked at her name tag, to see 'Joanna'. "Dean- uh sorry, Mr Winchester is in his office. He's ready for ya'll now. Hope it goes well, we could use another looker around here." She winked at me and her southern drawl tied in with her flirty personality and appearance.

Smiling, I thanked her, ignoring her attempt at flirtation. I took a deep breath and knocked lightly on the door to the side of her desk. There was no answer, so I looked back at Joanna yet she continued to smile at me. Brushing off the silence, I turned the door handle and walked into the office.

The sight I was met with almost overwhelmed me.

Mr Winchester sat at his desk, wearing a fitted grey suit. The waist coat clung onto his muscular frame. And as my eyes travelled from his chest to his face, my legs nearly collapsed underneath me.

He had just looked up from the papers sprawled messily over his mahogany desk, and his verdurous eyes met mine. The freckles scattered lightly over his defined cheekbones and his jaw jutted out indefinitely it seemed.

His impossibly full lips curved upwards to the heavens in a smile, revealing perfect snow dusted teeth.

My legs were jelly as I stared at him, until I realised I had yet to return the gesture. Sheepishly, I drew my own smile onto my face, which I was certain looked nowhere near as effortless or tantalising as his did.

I felt no unease at my sudden attraction to the man at the desk as I had long before become aware of my homosexuality, however I seldom told people. The discrimination and hate I would receive over it, something that is out of my control, would bear no comparison.

He opened his mouth to speak, and the moment the words started flowing from his perfectly carved mouth, the angel-esque image I had painted of this man in my mind shattered. Each tiny fragment rung in my ears.

"So what have we got here then?"

"I'm Castiel Novak, here for the interview regarding the job as junior accountant."

"Wow, aren't _you_ the formal one?"

"I uh- I guess I am, yes."

"Well don't just stand there, come sit down." He flashed another smile at me and I moved over to the deep brown chair placed in front of his desk.

"So what makes you qualified for this job?"

"Well, I studied at the High School of Economics and Finance, and I now have a Masters of Science in Mathematical Finance from New York University – the Courant Institute of Mathematical Sciences division. I also had this position at my previous company so I have experience."

"Get fired?" My eyes widened, _how could he come to such conclusions so abruptly? _And the complete disregard of my education and qualifications stunned me further.

"No, I quit."

"So you're a quitter then?"

"No I just uh no it's just that my uh my boss-"

"Well? Your boss…?" He leaned forward, pushing me to respond.

Taking a deep breath, I attempted to speak again. "My boss was very hard to get along with," I stuttered slightly, trying to word it to my advantage. "So I made the decision to leave the job, feeling someone could take my position who perhaps worked better with her."

He smiled again, and I relaxed slightly, yet on false pretences. "So you don't get along with other colleagues?" I felt the anxiety begin to rise in my stomach once more, as I fumbled for an answer. Yet I came up short.

I replied with the first thing that my panic-stricken mind deemed mildly acceptable. "I get along with whoever it is necessary to get along with."

"You don't sound like much of a team player." The accusations began to make my head swirl slightly.

"I uh, I can work well in a team. I didn't think this job required much team work though?"

"Unprepared to the interview, that doesn't bode well for you." He looked up at me from where he was continually writing notes. _Why_ _is he making these assumptions,_ was all I could think.

"No. I am uh I'm prepared enough for the uh for the interview." I could feel the heat in my cheeks increase with every word I forced out.

"Well," he smiled a toothy, arrogant grin once more, and the effect it had on me the first time was a thing of the past. "I think I have all I need, we will get back to you."

I attempted a smile that I am sure looked a lot like a grimace, before I stood up and turned to leave. "Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you." I have had that line prepared since I was 19 and went to my first interview; I have never left an interview without saying it. 'Good manners get you far', I remember my mother telling me.

The smile remained on his face as he spoke. "Close the door on your way out." He then turned his head down, back to the papers on his desk, rendering my presence in his office useless.

I thanked his secretary Joanna once more before I made a swift exit to the staircase.

I was sure that that had been the worst interview I had ever been to. The attractiveness of this Mr Winchester was greatly hidden under his accusatory personality, a trait that I have never liked in a person.

It should not be a large loss if I did not get the job I decided, I'm sure having him as a boss is a great deal worse than someone striving for respect, as Naomi had been. _This Mr Winchester has respect, and he fails to use it wisely. I shall be better off if I do not get the job._ I continued to reassure myself of this for the entire duration of the trek down the many stairs, refusing to attempt the panic filled metal prison again.

Once I had reached the lobby of the building, I smiled at the receptionist and began to leave the building.

I made it back to my apartment at 2:50pm, a great deal later than I had wanted to be back. Yet I had decided to stop at Fast Fries to get the burger I had longed for throughout the day, to ease the loss of a potential job and significantly too much anxiety.

I sat down on my overpriced sofa, a pure white that took too much time to maintain. I had Beethoven – Piano Sonata No.26 playing as it calms me, and helps to bring my mood up if only slightly. I had just begun to relax as I attempted to forget the interview, when the phone rang again.

Irritably, I got up.

"Hello, this is Castiel Novak speaking."

"_Damn, you're always that formal?"_

"Who is this I'm talking to?"

But of course I remembered the deep voice belonging to none other than _"Dean Winchester, from Domus Law."_

"It didn't take you long to get back to me."

I could hear chuckles from the other end of the line._ "We're very efficient here, and I had already made up my mind by the end of the interview."_

His voice was unreadable. It gave me no clues to decipher whether I had got the job or not. Although I had already decided that it was not looking good for me, based on the horrendous interview that I was trying to repress.

"So what is the verdict, if I may ask?"

"_Well, you can ask anything now that you're my employee."_

His words rung in my ears as my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe that I had got the job. I had never had an interview so terrible in my life. And I hadn't got the job many times after better interviews than that one. I was speechless.

"_Mr Novak? Are you there?"_

I scrambled my brain trying to find a response. "Yes, yes I am. This is great, thank you! But I don't understand, the interview didn't exactly go well from what I can remember."

I could hear more laughter. _"Sorry about that, I kinda cross examine all potential employees. I use the 'Mr tough boss man' tactic."_ This time, I was the one laughing. _"How'd I do?"_

"You certainly had me fooled Mr Winchester."

"_I count that as a win in my books then. And as I'm going to be your boss you must know that I really do hate formalities. Call me Dean. And instead of Mr Novak or Castiel, cool name by the way, I'll call you Cas if you're okay with that?"_

I couldn't help a slight blush creeping onto my face at the thought of being given a nickname. "That's fine Dean, thank you again. When would you like me to begin working?"

"_Is Thursday, 8 sharp good for you?"_

"That's perfect, thank you. See you then."

"_See you, Cas."_

I smiled as I hung up, and immediately came here to begin writing. The beginning of a new job  
seemed to be an appropriate time to begin a new diary. So until next time.

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**A/N: As this is set in the 80's, homosexuality was still largely discriminated against so the Destiel action might take a while, but I promise the wait will be made up for once it begins!**

**I had to research a lot for this fic as I have never been to New York City, and have no experience with workplaces that I'm describing or of that period of time in New York. But I attempted to make it as accurate as possible however if anybody has noticed anything wrong or has a better knowledge of these things please let me know by review or pm. Thanks!**

**Hope you enjoyed the chapter! **


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, only the plot is mine.**_

**Thank you for the reviews/favourites/follows, I really appreciate them all and they motivate to write, and I struggled with motivation for this chapter.**

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_Thursday 22__nd__ June (1982)_

Dear Diary,  
Today I began my job as junior accountant Domus Law. Yesterday was considerably uneventful so I have decided to write my next entry today.

I awoke at 6:45, giving myself plenty of time to arrive on Wall Street, promptly at 8. My morning routine was as it always is. I showered, washing myself and my hair thoroughly, still to make a good impression on my first day of work. I am not entirely sure that it would bode well for me if I turned up redolent of an unpleasant odour. I attempted to convince myself that it was not due to the fact that I wanted to appeal to Mr Winchester, I am aware that the man is heterosexual. I do not even have a chance of a relationship with him. Even if he was a homosexual, I am certain that he would not be attracted to me. He is a very attractive man, and I myself, am not. And if by a miracle, he reciprocated my attraction, he would not want to date me after finding out about my nervous disorder; that is what people would refer to as 'baggage', along with the fact that he is now my boss. Furthermore, I know next to nothing about his personality and I might not like it if I found out. He seemed pleasant on the phone, yet our first encounter was a facade, so that might have been too. So I have decided that I will bury the attraction I feel to Mr Winchester and focus on maintaining the job.

I got dressed into the same, newly dry cleaned suit that I wore to the interview and applied gel to my hair in order for it to stay in place due to the slight breeze outside. As I walked into my kitchen, I placed two slices of bread into the toaster and retrieved the orange juice from the fridge. I decided not to attempt coffee again, even though I was certain that I would be using the stairs.

Just as I went to leave my apartment, I sighed, looking at the coat rack next to the door and seeing my tan trench coat hanging up. As the weather was progressively becoming warmer, the need for a coat was becoming less. I knew I would come to be too hot and eventually look absurd wearing a trench coat in the height of summer, yet I have grown attached to the coat, and I feel absurd **not** wearing it. Nevertheless, I brushed off the feeling and exited my apartment.

I drove to work in my trusted 1972 Dodge Challenger, avoiding any coffee shops like the plague, and arrived 20 minutes early. This allowed me time to hike up the 34 flights of stairs. _I am definitely going to need to eat more of those burgers if I have to do this every day_, I thought to myself.

Sweating, a lot, I arrived on the 34th floor. The time was 8:10 - I had severely misjudged my fitness. The tardiness annoyed me, yet I wiped my sweat away with my silk handkerchief and walked into the office. To my surprise, the only person present was Mr Winchester.

"Cas!" At hearing his voice, my self-annoyance immediately dissipated. "You're late!" He said with a grin, that I attempted to return.

"I'm sorry; I did just walk up 34 flights of stairs!" His entire face widened.

"No fucking way dude, are you kidding me? Why didn't you use the elevator?" I decided against immediately telling him of my nervous disorder.

I tried to retain the smile on my face. "I uh, I do not like elevators, I feel that they get too crowded."

"Oh my god, I've hired a crazy person." The grin had now returned to his face. "But, you know, at this time there's not many people in the building, you've probably noticed the lack of people in the office." He said with a wink, causing an unwelcome blush on my cheeks.

"Yes, I did notice. Mr Winchester, may I ask-," I began to say before he cut off my speech.

"I told you, call me Dean. Well, unless there's new people or my boss in the office." I found that that explained Charlie and Joanna referring to him as Dean before they corrected themselves, 'old habits die hard', my mother's voice reminded me.

"Sorry. Dean. May I ask where all of the other workers are?"

He chuckled at my question. "They don't start till 9, all firms in the building start then. I asked you to come in an hour early so I could brief you on everything and uh you know, get you on my side... after the interview."

"Well yes, I admit I did not think too kindly of you after that. But the phone call won me over slightly, you are getting there Winchester." He was laughing now.

"Okay Novak, get into my office before I fire you." The empty threat only made us laugh more.

I walked into his office and took the seat I had sat at during the interview, and he took his place behind the desk. This time, I looked around his office. The anxiety I felt the first time I was there left me to stare at my fiddling fingers, so I did not get a chance to look around at the office. There were soft cream walls that contrasted against the sepia furniture with posters on them of what I am assuming are the rock artists AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, and Metallica. I have not personally heard any of these artists music, but he must enjoy them if he has their posters.

There were also multiple pictures on his desk, some I could see as they were facing me, yet others were facing Dean. I could see Joanna, his secretary, with Dean in one of the pictures. In another, there was an abnormally tall man with long chestnut coloured hair, wearing a plaid t-shirt. He towered over Dean and had him in a playful headlock. The relationship between them looked brotherly, but I could not be certain.

"That's my little brother Sammy, you wouldn't guess from his height. Dude never stops growing. He overtook me in freshman year."

"You look very close with your brother."

"Yeah, he actually works here. He works in court as a prosecutor, but he's with our company."

I found myself curious, and I could not help but ask. "That's interesting. But why did you choose the position you have now, rather than working in court too?"

"The salary's not much different, and I like working with the people in the office you know? You meet new people all the time as a prosecutor and I guess you could say I'm a creature of habit. I did a lot of travelling as a kid 'cause of my dad's job, so I like familiarity now."

"I see. If you don't mind me asking, what job did your father have?" He smiled, flashing his pearl-white teeth once more and I felt my heart flutter.

"I don't mind at all, but damn this is unprofessional. I'm your boss." He laughed once more. "I'm sure we can go out for a drink one day and I'll spill my life story, but right now I gotta brief you. I'm sorry; I'm not normally this unprofessional. I swear."

"It is quite alright, I won't tell anyone if you won't." I already felt a connection to this man, and the prospect of going out 'for a drink' with him excited me. Yet I attempted to ignore the thoughts, _the connection is one-sided and he's __**hetero**__sexual,_ I repeated to myself. _He's your boss, and he is __**not**__ interested._

"Well that's a relief." He grinned once more before continuing. "Okay, so onto your job...".

He continued to explain that I would have to work 9 till 5 from Monday to Friday, and occasionally Saturdays. I am the only accountant for this branch of the firm, despite being the junior accountant. Although, he explained, that with my qualifications I would be more than able to handle it, which made my heart flutter one more time.

He finished briefing me, and people started arriving. He showed me to my desk situated to the right of the entrance door, which brought a sigh of relief from me. The closer I am to the door, the less anxious I become, and so it was looking up for me. I brought my picture frame, with a picture of my mother and father, also one of me with my brother Gabriel, and my sister Anna. Once I was seated, I immediately placed them on the desk. Dean lingered and he appeared nervous for some reason.

"So- uh, seeing as you don't know anyone in the firm, did you wanna come to lunch with me and Jo later? We have a different lunch break time from everyone else, but I'm sure I could make an exception for you, considering I'm the manager of the branch." He spoke and ended with another wink, nervously I looked down at my feet, unsure of how to respond. I had brought lunch with me, but the promise of eating with Dean was an offer that I felt unable to refuse.

"That would be great thank you. Is Jo the secretary?"

"Yeah, our lunch is at 2, we'll come get you when we're ready to go."

"Okay, I'll be ready then, Winchester."

"You better be, we'll leave without you if we have to, Novak." He smiled and turned on his heel before I had the chance to respond. His level of unprofessionalism for his title as manager made me smile, I was sure he was as forward with the rest of his employees, but I still could not help but feel special at being invited to lunch.

I began to work immediately and the time slipped away without warning. I was focused on the numbers I was currently working on when I heard someone clear their throat in front of me. I looked up to see Dean and Joanna waiting there.

"Told you to be ready at 2, Novak."

"Sorry, I lost track of time."

"Well at least you're working, can't be mad at that. Oh well, come on, I'm starving."

"I agree." This time it was Jo who spoke. "I dunno about ya'll but I'm getting a huge cheese burger."

A grin etched itself into my features at the mention of a cheeseburger. "Cheese burger? Okay, I'm finished. Let's go. Now."

Dean smiled and turned to Jo. "Okay, at least we know what he likes to eat."

I tidied my desk and stood up too fast, making my head rush slightly, but I brushed it off. Jo turned towards the elevator before Dean stopped her.

"Let's take the stairs; we could all use a bit of exercise." I smiled, he didn't know the full reason why I didn't want to take the elevator, yet he still didn't mention it to Jo. _He is definitely winning me over. _

She shrugged and followed Dean into the stairwell, and I trailed shortly behind. I never made many friends at work, the only friend I had at my previous job was Bobby. Yet now there was a possibility that I could have two friends on my first day, and one was the manager, which could potentially bode well for me.

As we made our way outside; Dean and Jo immediately walked over to a sleek, jet black car in the parking lot. I assumed we would be taking only one car so I dropped my keys back into my pocket.

"You have a very nice car, Winchester."

"I'll give you an instant pay raise if you can name the make and model." He smirked at me, and Jo seemed interested.

"1967 Chevrolet Impala, am I correct?" Both pairs of eyes widened at me, and I grinned smugly. "When should I be expecting my pay raise?"

"You got a good eye on you Novak, but there might be like a year or two delay in the pay raise."

As we got into the car, Jo spoke. "I'm pretty sure you said an 'instant pay raise' if I recall correctly."

"Shutup Jo, or you're fired."

She feigned horror. "Please Mr Winchester, don't fire me!" The sarcasm was thick in her tone, and they both immediately started laughing, and before I knew it, I was joining in.

We arrived to a diner on East 1st Street. I had never been there before, but the appearance looked particularly 'mod' as I recall it.

We walked in and were greeted by the waitress who knew Dean and Jo.

"Hey!"

"Pamela, hey! We'd like our usual booth please."

"Follow me boys, and lady." She winked at Jo.

When we got to the booth, Jo and Dean took the seats that I assumed they usually sat at. As I had barely spoken to Jo, I slid into the space next to Dean.

"What? Have I got rabies or something? Come over here pretty boy." She spoke with allure that I am sure any heterosexual male or would have fallen at her feet for, yet the effect on me happened to be mute. Nevertheless I complied; I got up and moved to the seat opposite Dean. I smiled at Jo, and then at Dean; who looked between us and then looked down, blushing slightly.

"So are you guys gonna sit there smiling like a bunch of girls or are you gonna order something?"

"Hey, I **am** a girl, but yeah, I'll have the double cheeseburger with fries, and a small coke."

"Good choice Jo and you boys?"

Dean spoke up. "I'll have the Sticky burger, fries, a coke and apple pie for after. And seeing as he over there has never been here before," he pointed at me. "He'll have the same."

My eyes widened. "Will I?"

He smiled at my reaction. "Yeah, you will. And you're gonna enjoy every bite."

"Well, if I must."

"Okay, two Sticky burgers, one double cheeseburger, three cokes, three portions of fries and two apple pies comin' right up."

"Thanks Pam!" Dean called after her; she just waved her hand at him, dismissing him.

"Uh, may I ask what is in a 'Sticky' burger?" The name startled me slightly and I was unsure whether it would be something I would be able to eat. Since I was a child, I have always felt that leaving food on my plate is unacceptable. So I felt the panic rising from my core, at the prospect of maybe having to eat something I didn't like. Yet I didn't want to have a panic attack there. Especially not with the people I might eventually be able to call my friends.

Dean must have noticed the panic evident in my features. "Dude, don't worry. It's just a double cheeseburger with some special kinda sauce holding the two bits of meat together. I dunno why Jo just settles for a normal cheeseburger when she can have that little piece'a heaven."

"Give it up Dean, the sauce is not **that** special, and I do like some burger with my sauce. They smother that shit on there."

Dean turned to me. "Don't listen to her, they have the perfect burger to sauce ratio." Dean words calmed me slightly, allowing me to be composed enough to collect my thoughts. Once I can compile my thoughts I am able to think myself out of the attack, and now I was grateful for Dean and his words. Without him there, I am sure I would have had a full blown attack in the middle of the diner, and I would have ended up running out without paying and losing my one shot at friends. So I am thankful to Dean for that.

I then felt calm enough to speak again. "Well that is a positive thing, being in a mathematical field of work I am always open to perfect ratios." Dean chuckled, while Jo looked slightly taken aback.

"No offence, but are you really always that formal?"

Dean answered for me. "Every word I've heard outta the dude's mouth has been near enough perfect." The redness crept onto my cheeks after hearing Dean call my words perfect, and it dawned on him what he had just said. "I uh- I mean like the pronunciation and formality of it."

Jo didn't seem to notice as she only laughed in response. After that, Jo and Dean began to playfully argue again over what kind of burger is the best, until the food arrived.

"Here you are guys, enjoy." She smiled and walked off to serve another booth.

I looked at the burger on my plate and my mouth immediately watered. The burger was presented beautifully and looked delicious. It was the correct size so I was not afraid I would have to eat too much and become ill, yet not too little that I would be begging to leave work to eat again. Even the smell tantalized my nostrils.

"Cas, buddy, you look like you're about to kiss that burger, not eat it." Jo giggled.

"You want us to get you and the burger a room?" The blush returned to my face once I realised I had been solidly staring at the food on the plate in front of me.

"I'm fine here, thank you." I smiled, trying to keep the mortified look from my face at being laughed at. "We should eat now."

"Way ahead of you." I looked and saw that Dean and Jo had already taken multiple bites from their burgers, and were now focused on taking more.

I lifted the burger to my lips and took a large enough bite to get the taste, but not too large incase I did not like what I tasted.

But the taste was magnificent. There are no words I could write in this diary to describe how divine the burger tasted. It was as Dean had said it would be. It was like a chunk of heaven had been carved off and placed on my plate.

Unwillingly, a small moan escaped my lips and I immediately closed my mouth, before looking down. When I looked up, I noticed that neither Jo nor Dean had taken their eyes off of their own burgers, and were releasing small moans of their own. The embarrassment I felt slipped away.

When we had finished eating our burgers in comfortable silence, Dean and I waited for our pie.

"Why did you not order pie, Jo?" I was inquisitive as I was sure she would enjoy a dessert of that kind.

"I don't like pie."

"'Don't like pie'," Dean mocked. "How the hell can you say that? Pie is even better than those burgers."

"Wow Winchester, if anything is better than that burger, I will be thoroughly surprised."

"Well prepare to be shocked outta your skull, Novak. They got the best damn pie in the whole of Manhattan."

"That's a high standard to live up to, we shall see." Dean looked over my shoulder, and his grin widened.

"Yeah, we'll see right about now." As he said that, Pamela walked up to us with two plates, each with a slice of apple pie on them.

She placed the plates in front of us and I did not hesitate to eat this time. I grabbed the fork from the plate and immediately cut off a piece and ate it.

Dean was right once more. I had never tasted anything quite like it; the flavours worked well and complemented each other in a way that I had never experienced before. A louder moan escaped my mouth that Dean immediately reciprocated when he ate his own mouthful of the pie.

I heard Jo sigh in mock exasperation at the sounds coming from our mouths, but the pie I was currently ingesting tasted too sensational to care.

"Okay, guys ya'll finished now? I don't need to hear your sex moans anymore." She smirked as she spoke.

"You sure?" Dean moaned again, over exaggerating the sound that was already so attractive and multiplying by then. I was sure everybody could see me blush, the noise made me feel a longing, which I was sure I was thinly veiling.

"Yeah, I'm definitely sure." We were all laughing now, I joined in to avoid them looking at me and realising my blush.

"Okay, back to the office we go." Jo and I simultaneously groaned. "Hey Harvelle, Novak, you guys are still my employees, I'll fire your asses." Dean winked as he spoke, but I hardly noticed. 'Harvelle'? That is the surname of my therapist, Dr Ellen Harvelle. I was sure I had either misheard or it was just a coincidence that they have the same surname. _I can't be friends with my therapist's daughter. I'm sure it's not her._ I was brought out of my thoughts by someone clearing their throat.

"Dude, I was kidding, I'm not gonna fire you. Me 'n Jo have been looking for a third member to form a trio. We've always wanted to call ourselves the three musketeers." Then I was smiling, they definitely liked me, and I was sure that it was just a coincidence.

"I like the sound of that."

"Me too," Jo added. "Let's go though; we've been gone longer than usual."

After that, we quickly paid Pamela and made our way back to the office. We arrived there at 3:30 to an office full of disapproving looks. We walked up the stairs, Dean had said it was to 'burn off those burger calories', and as Jo walked back to her seat I thanked him for not mentioning it. He only winked and walked away.

The rest of the day passed slowly, I kept looking up from my desk and into Dean's office, I could see in through the window from where I was positioned and occasionally I caught him looking in my direction. He only smiled and looked back down at his work. The minutes ticked by on the clock and finally it was 5pm. I started to gather my things in my briefcase and when I looked up, Dean was walking over to my desk.

He leant in and spoke quietly. "Hey Novak, I'll see you tomorrow, come in at 8 and try the elevator. I'll be here."

I smiled as I could feel his warmth so close to me. "See you then, Winchester."

He smiled back at me and walked to his office, stopping to speak to Jo first.

I shook my head, clearing the thoughts of how attractive he looked in that suit, and headed to the staircase to make the 34 flight descent.

I drove home and again came here to start writing about my day. Overall, as first days go, I have to say that it was a good one. I have made two friends, one of which is the boss, an attractive male that my pining after is horrendously embarrassing, nonetheless he is very kind and clearly a good friend. Jo is also funny and kind, I am uncertain if her mother is my therapist, but I am sure I will find out.

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**AN/ I'm sorry if this was terrible, I had such bad writer's block and this was all I could churn out. **

**But I hope you enjoyed it anyways.**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, only the plot is mine.**_

**Thank you so much to everyone who has followed/favourite and reviewed this story! I really appreciate it! You're all awesome, and I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

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_Monday 2__nd__ July (1982)_

Dear Diary,  
It has been almost two weeks since I previously added an entry to this diary. The panic attacks in that time have been less than rare but infrequent, not particularly worth noting. The reason for the date jump is that every day has been the same. Each day I have woken up, arrived at the office at around 8 and taken the elevator. The day after my last entry I attempted the elevator, and due to the fact I was the only one inside it I felt reasonably comfortable. Therefore I decided to arrive there every day at that time like Dean suggested. Each day it is only him and I in the office until around 9. We have become relatively good friends due to all this time spent together on our own. I have found out enough about him that I can count him as a friend, and I like enough about him that I love the concept. I have worked through till 2, had lunch at the diner with Jo and Dean most days, and left at 5. I've spent the evenings listening to music, eating dinner and then sleeping to repeat the next day.

However, today, that was not all I did.

The day started off normally, I awoke and arrived at Wall Street at 8:15. I took the elevator and saved the awful smell of sweat for lunch time when I would have to walk up the stairwell after eating at the diner.

I walked into the office and heard Dean in his. I placed my briefcase down on my desk and walked into where he was.

"Hello, Dean." He hadn't heard my entrance into the office or his own, and was startled when I spoke.

"Son of a bitch!" I started to laugh, I had startled him multiple times with my quiet appearances, and he did the same thing every time. "Damnit Cas, could you give a guy a warning?" This made me laugh more, and he sighed.

I sat down in front of his desk as I did every morning. "Sorry, I find that it is funnier to scare you."

"Yeah, ha-freaking-ha." He said, although he could not contain his smile. "So, how's the elevator working for you?"

I smiled; he hadn't really mentioned me using the elevator since my second day. "It is good thank you; I find it easier than spending 30 minutes walking up 34 flights of stairs. I find it is a lot less sweat-inducing too." He chuckled.

"At least we burn off our burgers every day having to walk up them after lunch; Jo doesn't seem to mind that much."

"That is good; I do feel terrible about making her walk up them every day."

He shook his head. "Nonsense Cas, she doesn't say anything."

"I hope so. But thank you, for not mentioning my uh I guess you could say fear of crowded elevators."

"It's cool dude." He paused, hesitant for a moment. "Uh, if you don't mind me asking, and feel free to just ignore the question but, well, is there like a bigger reason why you don't like elevators? I mean you're fine in them on your own, so what's the deal when there are people there too?"

I looked down at my hands. I knew that this question was going to present itself at some point in our new friendship. Dean had been a very good friend to me, and I do make him walk up the stairs every day, so I felt that it was probably the right thing to do, to tell him about my nervous disorder. If he is a good friend like I think he is, I am sure he will not mind. "Well, I uh, I've been suffering with a nervous disorder for the past few months, and I uh- I find that elevators become too crowded and bring on an anxiety attack." I stopped to carefully pick my wording. "I had a terrible attack the first day I came here, before the interview, in the elevator, and I wanted to avoid that happening again." I looked up from my hands and I saw his face widen. As I looked into his eyes I could see genuine concern present, they bore into mine with an intensity that should have made me feel uncomfortable.

"Holy shit dude. I had no idea, I'm so sorry." He opened his mouth to begin to say something else, yet I broke in.

"Don't apologise Dean, how could you have known? I did not mention it... I guess I am just thankful that I got a desk near the door."

"That helps?" His brow crinkled as his eyes widened.

"A lot. I feel being nearer the door calms my anxiety, I feel as if it is an easy escape from any situation that brings on an attack."

"Well I'm glad I put you there then." He paused for a moment. "Is there any uh situations that I put you in that gives you an attack? Or uh, makes you feel anxious?"

"No, actually I find being with you very calming. You're a good friend- I mean boss."

"Dude, it's okay we're friends. I'm pretty sure everything we've done hasn't exactly been boss slash employee type stuff, I mean I'm not supposed to be friends with my employees. Except I am, well with you and Jo anyway. I don't really talk to the rest of the office."

"I noticed that. Why Jo and I?"

"Well, Jo's an old family friend, I know her mum, she's good friends with my dad. We've been friends since practically forever so I got her the job here as my secretary. And you, well; I mean I've known you what? Not even two weeks, and I dunno man. From the second you came in to my office for the interview there was something different about you. Like I looked at you and I felt like I wanted to know more about you. I pulled the whole asshole employer act and you didn't bolt. I called you and you didn't scream and swear at me through the phone. Then you came in after walking up 34 freaking flights of stairs man, and I just knew there was more to you than what I could see. Then from what I heard from first hearing you speak like you're royalty or something. And then we began talking and just got on really well, and I guess you know the rest." My jaw practically hit the floor after his speech. I never knew that I had had such an effect on Dean. I knew we were friends now, and I knew we all got along well with each other, and I knew that I had had an attraction to him since the morning we started working together, but I didn't know all of that. And of course I know that Dean isn't attracted to me, he'd be positively disgusted if he knew I was attracted to him. But nevertheless, I was overwhelmed. I had without a doubt felt a profound bond to him. Yet I did not know that it was mutual.

"Hey-uh Cas. I'm sorry if that whole speech there freaked you out I mean, I was just saying that I'm uh glad we're friends and that you started working here." It was then that I realised that I hadn't spoke.

"No I'm not freaked out at all, I'm sorry. I was trying to absorb everything you said. Nobody has ever been that kind to me or said such lovely things, I guess I don't have many friends, and for you to say that means a lot. So thank you. I am very lucky to be friends with you and Jo."

"Well that's a relief; I guess I don't really have many friends either. Thought I mighta scared you off. But like I said before, if my boss comes in, we're not friends. We don't go to lunch together. And we don't spend an hour together here before work starts. That kinda shit could get me fired, I'm meant to be your boss for god's sake."

"I understand." I smiled. "I'm glad we're friends, Winchester."

"Me too, Novak. By the way, if you ever need to go 'cause of this anxiety, just go, do whatever you need to do until you're okay. And if you're not, don't come back. I'll understand, and if anything I ask you to do will make you anxious then just let me know and I'll do it myself or get somebody else to do it. I don't want you doing anything that'll make you uncomfortable or anxious, you got that?" It was at that moment that I realised that I realised how much I liked Dean, how much I was starting to care for him.

"Yes, thank you so much. That really uh 'takes a load off'." He started laughing, his eyes glinting from the light above his desk. He looked truly happy, some day I wished to look like that.

"Dude, you realise that in two weeks that's the first time I've heard you say something not formal?"

"I do realise, yet I did not realise it would amuse you so much. Perhaps I'll try it again someday."

"Hell yeah you will, although it doesn't sound right coming outta your mouth, I'm used to this posh Mr Novak. I guess I could get used it though."

I was laughing too; something about Dean made me feel like maybe I **could** be truly happy. "I'll save it for a special occasion then, uh, dude." He was holding his sides now; it felt good to be able to make him laugh so much.

"You're killing me man. Anyways, I was thinking, do you wanna come for a drink with me after work tonight? Apart from lunch we haven't really done anything outside of the office." It was true, Dean and I had only spoke during the mornings before work began and at lunch with Jo. We had never been outside of the office together. I was finally going to be able to go for 'that drink' with him.

"Of course. Should we go there straight from work?"

"Yeah why not, sound good?"

"Sounds excellent."

"Alright, that's good. We can drop your car off back at yours, and then go to the bar. Come into my office around 5 to wait for me to finish. People will be going home then so it won't matter."

"Okay, I shall be in here at 5 sharp."

"And I'll be ready at 5 sharp. You coming for lunch today?"

"Definitely, I have been craving their burgers the entire weekend."

He gave me a knowing nod. "Okay, we'll meet you at your desk like normal then. You should probably get to your desk now though; people are starting to come in."

I turned around to see, and saw coats hanging on the rack near the door and sighed. I would have to wait till lunch to talk Dean again.

At 5, I started to pack my belongings into my suitcase. By this point in the day I was extremely excited. Dean, Jo and I had been to lunch; unfortunately she was seeing her mother that night so she wouldn't be able to join us at the bar. I had been patiently watching the clock since we got back, and the minutes had ticked away much too slowly. As usual, I frequently looked into Dean's office, and more than often found him looking straight back at me. Each time, we smiled and went back to our work. Yet now the clock hit 5 and I was walking to his office with my things, ignoring the stares from my fellow co-workers, including the particularly heavy gaze of a large, grey haired man.

"Winchester, if I recall correctly, I was to be in your office at 5." He looked up from the papers sprawled messily over his desk and smiled, almost flooring me.

"I shoulda guessed you'd be on time. Sit down and I'll just finish this up." I put my briefcase down and went to sit in front of his desk. I was sure that nobody had ever sat in that seat as much as I had, perhaps with the exception of Jo.

"So, uh, I was wondering what bar we would be going to?"

"There's this one on West 58th called The Roadhouse, it's awesome. Jo's mum's friend runs it, real nice dude called Ash."

"I see. It sounds interesting. West 58th Street is very near my own apartment actually."

"Oh really? Where's your apartment?"

"The complex on East 65th Street."

"Yeah that's pretty close dude. At least you could walk home if I got you too wasted." He winked and I felt the metaphorical butterflies flutter inside my stomach.

"I am unsure whether I will be getting uh 'wasted'."

"You haven't drunk with me yet, you definitely won't be saying that tonight."

"We shall see, Winchester."

"You're on, Novak."

At that moment Jo walked up to the office. "Hey Cas, Dean. I'm going home now. See you guys tomorrow, don't get too drunk okay ya'll, we need a half-coherent boss tomorrow." She smiled and left without another word.

Dean grinned and stood up. He piled all of the sheets in what I'm sure is an unorganised pile and grabbed his briefcase. "Okay, let's go."

I smiled back at him, grabbing my own briefcase before making my way to the door. He overtook me through the office and headed to the stairwell, it was only 5:20 so the entire building would still be full of many people.

After the trek down the stairs and out of the building, he waved goodbye to the receptionist Charlie. "Do you know Charlie well?" I asked him as we made our way outside.

"Yeah, we're pretty good friends actually. Like I said before, I don't have many except Jo, Charlie and my brother Sammy."

"I have a grand total of four, so I think I beat you. Wait, I think you are one of those, okay make it three. We're even."

Dean laughed. "Who's your three?"

"Jo, Bobby and my brother Gabriel."

"Gabriel? That's the name of an angel right? You're both named after angels?"

"Yes, all of my siblings are named after angels." I paused, looking at his car and my own. "Are we going in both of our cars, or should I quickly park mine at my apartment?"

"Uhh," he fumbled, trying to decide what to do. "Well, you could leave your car here? We could take mine and I'll give you a lift to work in the morning. My apartment's on 10th Avenue, but I don't mind. We get in at the same time anyway."

"I would not want to put you out of your way Dean."

"Nah, its fine dude. I don't mind. Which is your car anyways?" I pointed over to my cobalt Challenger and his eyes widened. "No way. You drive that?"

I nodded at him, and his eyes lit up. "I tell you, I was expecting you to drive a piece of crap." He then looked in thought for a second. "But I guess considering you guessed Baby's make and model, even the year, you must know a thing or two about cars. Yours is the 1972 with the rally hood, right?" I nodded again.

I was not shocked; Dean seemed to care a lot about cars. I felt warm inside knowing that Dean approved of what I drove. Then I thought about what he had just said. "Did you just call your car 'Baby'?" My smile widened.

"Yeah," we walked over to where 'Baby' was parked. He leant on the roof above the driver's side window and rubbed it. "She's my Baby."

"You seem to care a lot about your car. She's in perfect condition."

"Damn straight she is. I put a lotta effort into keeping her this way."

I smiled again. It made me even more attracted to him, hearing how passionate he was about his car. "That's great. At least I'd know how to hurt you." I winked at him. It was only playful; it would not mean a thing.

"You touch Baby and that'll be the last thing you ever do." He was smiling while he spoke, yet I knew that he was being serious. The only thing anyone could do to hurt him, would be to hurt his car. I would keep my distance.

"Okay okay, 'scary boss man' only works in interviews you know, Winchester."

"And when someone touches Baby." He flashed a grin then got into the car. I followed his actions, and got into the passenger seat.

He turned her on and the engine purred, it sounded smooth. Just as my car often did. He pulled away and then turned on his cassette player. A band that I am assuming is rock blared from the speakers.

"What is this?"

He turned to me, shock apparent in his eyes. "That's a joke right?" I shook my head. "Oh my god. You need a music education. This is AC/DC. A song called High Voltage. How can you not have heard it?"

"I listen to mostly classical compositions. Beethoven is one of my favourites."

"Wow. I guess I can see you as a classical sorta guy, but AC/DC are awesome. So is all rock." I smiled in return and watched him as he began to sing along, tapping on the steering wheel in time with the music. It seemed as if this was him, as if he was truly being himself.

I must have been staring for too long without realising as he turned to look at me. "Oh Cas, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that, I got laid." I tilted my head, trying to show confusion, hiding my embarrassment and certainty that I would not be 'laying' him. As I stared, he winked at me, before turning back to the road.

"I apologise. I was just watching the way you are when you listen to music, it's quite different. You get absorbed into it, it is interesting to watch. I am sorry if it made you uncomfortable." I thought that that would explain it quite well, without me having to say that I find him very attractive and he is even more attractive whilst listening to music.

He smiled. "No need to apologise dude, I'm a good looking guy, I get it." He winked again. The truth and irony dripping from that sentence made me laugh. However his joking flirtation meant nothing to him, I knew that was his personality. He was the same with Jo, and they were definitely not in a relationship.

We sat without speaking for the rest of the car journey and I watched Dean from the corner of my eye, singing along to AC/DC. The music was not something I would listen to out of choice, but I saw that it made Dean very happy, and I would not change that for anything.

We pulled into a parking lot by the Roadhouse. We got out of the car, and walked into the bar.

"Hey, Ash!" Dean called out, and a man dressed in denim pants and a plaid, scruff waistcoat looked up from behind the bar.

"Hey bud. Who's this?" He gestured towards me with a smile planted on his face.

"This is my friend Cas, he works for me." Ash nodded in what I am assuming is understanding.

"Hello, it is nice to meet you Ash."

"Nice to meet you too, dude." I smiled in return.

"I'll have my usual, get the same for Cas too, cheers." And with that, Dean turned towards a booth near the window, and also the door I noticed. Dean had really paid attention to what I had said earlier, it made me feel 'warm' inside, for lack of a better word, when I thought about that. I followed him and sat on the seat opposite.

He smiled at me, before he began speaking. "So, during the interview you said you left your old job 'cause you didn't get on with your boss. What happened?"

I breathed in. "Well, I felt that it was her who caused my nervous disorder. It was as if she re-programmed me. Being a female manager, it was difficult for her to gain respect from practically all of her employees, so I believe. And so to gain respect she became very oppressive. If she did not like the work I did, she would make me feel worthless for doing it 'wrong'. She broke me down until I was a completely different person. A man I worked with, well, he noticed. We had a manager before she took over and we were good friends then. Yet after Naomi, he noticed how she had changed me, he suggested that I quit and get help for a possible nervous disorder."

Dean stared at me, wide-eyed. "Wow. That woman sounds like an asshole. I'm sorry. But I guess you're lucky, you now get to work for that awesome Winchester dude, I've heard he's a cool boss."

I had just told him a large part of my recent life, and he had made me feel instantly better about it. He hadn't mocked me and he hadn't dwelled on it with false apologies. "Yes, I guess he is a good boss. He also knows where to get the 'best damn pie in Manhattan'." I said, quoting Dean himself.

He feigned pain and clutched his chest. "Only a good **boss**? Cas, I'm hurt."

I began chuckling. "And I **guess**," I put emphasis on the guess, "he's a good friend too. He not only listens to me, he takes in what I say and he makes an effort to put it into practise. He invited me to lunch after meeting me only once, and he gave me a chance despite my formality and odd mannerisms, and he didn't question them either. He's the only friend I've had that I've felt comfortable and truly happy around." As I was speaking, his hands fell from his chest and his mouth and eyes widened simultaneously. The look in his eyes could only be described as pure shock and awe.

"Dude, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. People normally just kinda take advantage of me I guess, use me for what they need then fuck off once they get it. You got the job, and you only needed to be pleasant in order to keep it. Yet you also gave **me** a chance, you didn't get weirded out by my forward invites to lunch, by me and Jo basically accepting you as one of our own straight aw–." His own speech was cut off by Ash arriving with our drinks.

"Here you are dudes, two house-beers. These ones are on me. Call me over when you want any more."

"Thanks man, will do."

"Thank you, Ash."

"No problem, amigos." He then walked off, up behind the bar where an attractive female was patiently waiting.

Dean shook his head. "Anyways. Here's to us being good friends." He held up his beer in front of him, signalling for me to do the same.

"Here's to us." I smiled.

Throughout the course of the evening, we spoke about a lot. I learned that his dad was a substitute teacher in high school, which meant that they had to travel from high school to high school, wherever he was needed, all across the US. They never stayed in one place for longer than two months, I also learned a lot about his brother Sam, more about Jo, and her mother, Ellen. The name was very coincidental, and I am now certain she is my therapist, but the alcohol had made it useless for me to care at that moment. He learned about my own family, my absent father, and my mother struggling to raise 5 children on her own.

We decided that we should leave the bar at 9:00 as we had work the next day. We had had enough alcohol to lessen our inhibitions, yet not enough to completely lose them.

On the way back to my apartment, Dean had said that he would drive me there.

"Dean, would you like to come into my apartment for a little while longer, it is still early." Dean smiled and nodded, and then turned up the volume of the music.

We arrived at my apartment complex, and we slightly stumbled our way into the elevator, that was perfectly vacant, and walked along the corridor to my apartment.

I unlocked the door, before immediately walking to my kitchen. I always kept whisky in my cabinet incase I had guests over.

He slowly walked into the living room, carefully looking around him at all of my belongings. He whistled, "you got a nice place here, Cas."

I nodded. "Thank you. How do you take it?" I asked, gesturing to the whisky.

"Neat. On the rocks."

"Odd. That's how I take it too."

"Match made in heaven, huh?" I was thankful at that moment that Dean was inspecting my living room, as a particularly bright shade of red clouded my cheeks. _It doesn't mean anything, _I told myself. _He's inebriated, and therefore not in control of what he is saying. He doesn't mean it. You're just friends._ I shook my head, ensuring that the stern thoughts sunk their way into my brain and stuck. I would not give myself false hope, to have it torn out from underneath me, to leave me alone and unhappy once more. I would not do it.

Dean finally finished investigating the contents of my living room and made his way into the kitchen, taking the glass I held out to him.

"Thanks." He took a sip. "Wow, this is good shit man."

"Thank you. I do try to get the 'good shit'." I air quoted, and he started laughing, more than I had ever seen before.

"Dude honestly, you're like nobody I've ever met, there's just something about you."

"Thank you; I feel the same about you."

He stopped laughing and stared at his drink, as if pondering something. Then he shook his head, as if brushing off the thought.

"I should probably be going, thanks for the drink." He did not give me a time to respond, he flashed me a grin that almost buckled my legs underneath me and strode out of my apartment.

So now I sit here, thoroughly confused as to why he would leave so abruptly. What was he thinking? Why did it not matter enough that he could brush it off, yet matter enough to leave without even finishing his drink? Perhaps I will ask him tomorrow, but then again, perhaps I will not.

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**A/N: The 1972 Dodge Challenger is the car that Dean stole in season 7 when they had to put the Impala into hiding for a while. I wanted Cas to have a car that Dean would appreciate, so why not use one that Dean chose himself.**

**The line **"Oh Cas, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that, I got laid," **was from the episode 5x18 "Point of No Return."**

**Also, please be patient, I think Destiel action should be coming sooner than you ****think, bear with me. I apologise for the infrequent, random updates. I write this whenever I have time and I've been really busy.**

**Anyway, enough from me, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. If you liked the chapter, want to suggest anything, or if anything is inaccurate, I love reading reviews and respond to all of them. Thanks again!**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, only the plot is mine.**_

**Trigger warning: This chapter has a description of a panic attack; if you are triggered easily please do not read. I wouldn't want to be the cause of an attack, stay safe.**

**Thank you again for all the favourites/follows/reviews for this, they make me smile so much when I see them or read them! Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

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_Friday 13__th__ July (1982)_

Dear Diary,  
Once again, there has been a gap of almost 2 weeks since my last entry. After I last wrote in my diary, I went to sleep and woke up still thoroughly confused as to why Dean had left so abruptly, _what was he going to say? _Yet I did not ponder for too long as I needed to get ready for work so Dean could take me there. He had told me the evening before that he would be there promptly at 7:50, and waking up at 7 gave me plenty of time. Once Dean had arrived he appeared normal. Completely normal. He did not seem hesitant, or confused, he didn't even mention the abrupt departure the night before. I did not want to chance angering him, so I also 'let it go'.

And from then till today everything carried on as it had before. I went to therapy with Mrs Harvelle at my weekly appointment on Saturday and found out that she is in fact Jo's mother. Although she has assured me that she will not reveal to Jo anything from our sessions, or even that I attend them, as it is not her business to say, which **I** can say is a relief. I think that I will mention it to Jo when the correct time comes. I do trust Jo and consider her a very good friend, despite how we have only been around each other whilst Dean has been present.

Yesterday, during lunch at the diner, Dean invited Jo and I to a small gathering that he is hosting tonight. I must say that I am looking forward to it. His exact words were "okay dudes, tomorrow night I'm hosting the best freaking party ever, and you're both coming, you're gonna love it." So I am unsure whether 'invited' is the correct terminology to use rather than 'forced to attend, even against our will'. Although neither Jo nor myself would say no, considering we have now been confirmed (on Tuesday) as Dean's closest friends, besides his brother 'Sammy'.

Tonight will be the first night that Dean and I will have spent time together outside of the office since last Monday. We still have not mentioned his sudden evacuation of my apartment that night, and I do not intend to bring it up again. We have been friends barely a month now, and every day we become closer. Speaking in the office helps, we are always able to find more topics to talk about and there are never many silences, yet when there are, they are comfortable. I do not find myself searching my brain for something to fill the empty air; I simply sit and enjoy his calming presence.

Charlie has happened to join Jo, Dean and myself for lunch at the diner on multiple occasions, and I can now class her as a friend as well. She is extremely effervescent, and unafraid to speak her mind, just as Jo is. They get on very well, and I feel as though Jo is grateful that she has a female to side with her in debates, specifically topics of gender equality. I find it a grating subject; I see no reason why females and males cannot be equal. Although the difference physically is not only our genitals, when any human body focus' themselves on something, I firmly believe anybody can do anything. I am certain Dean agrees with me, but he enjoys aggravating the women in saying that he is superior. In fact, he did tell me once that he believes in a physical fight; both women could possibly beat him with reasonable ease. Which I had a difficult time believing, due to his toned muscles, that I have stared at endlessly under his tight, fitted waistcoat.

Furthermore, I will begin my actual account of my day. After my usual routine of showering, dressing, eating breakfast and leaving my house. I arrived at Wall Street and entered the office at 8:05. I have been entering the office slightly earlier each day, which I believe is an unconscious thing I do in order to spend more time with Dean.

"Hey dude, you excited for tonight?" I smiled, yet I wouldn't reveal how excited I really was.

"Yes, I am looking forward to it." His grin lit up the empty office.

"So you should be." He faltered for a moment. "I should probably know this but I just wanna make sure, are you uh- are you bringing someone or is it just gonna be you? 'Cause it's totally fine if you wanna bring someone." His blasé act towards the possibility of me having a date did not offend me; I knew that he felt no attraction for me. _Why would he?_

"No, it will just be me." His smile widened, even though it had seemed as if that were impossible.

"Awesome. Jo's gonna be bringing some dude she's been seeing, and I don't think Charlie's bringing anyone 'cause uh yeah she's not."

"I am excited to meet the person Jo will be bringing. I hope he is kind."

"Yeah, and not an asshole like the last guy she dated."

"Why was he an asshole?"

"Well, she started seeing him and she wouldn't sleep with him or anything 'cause she wanted to wait till it was serious. Then he asked her out and she said yes so obviously she eventually slept with him, and then literally I think it was 3 hours after? He dumped her. She was really caught up about it; I almost tracked him down just to punch him in the face."

I had never seen this side of Dean before, his cheeks were turning red with anger and he was only speaking about it. I feel as if I would have been terrified if I had seen him when he was actually angry at that moment. I brushed off the thought. "Wow, you are very loyal to your friends Dean."

"Damn straight. So if any lady hurts my buddy Cas, she's gonna have hell to pay for it."

I could feel myself hesitate in response at how Dean assumes a female will hurt me. At this moment, the only person with the capacity to hurt me in that sense would be Dean himself. The irony almost made me smile. "Don't worry Dean, uh; I do not think any female will hurt me any time soon." After I spoke, I saw Dean slightly raise his eyebrows as if contemplating something. _Oh my god, I've given it away. He knows and now he's disgusted. He doesn't want to be your friend._ The familiar sickness crept over me until it had engulfed me entirely. I was now sweating and certain I was about to vomit. I could not help but feel the anxiety smother me. _You've lost practically the best friend you've ever met, all because you could not keep your stupid mouth quiet. What have you done? _

"Uh Cas? You feeling okay? You don't look too good..." His words jumbled in my brain and I could only just about make them out.

"Yes I am fine thank you; I will just need a minute outside." I immediately rushed to the door of the stairwell; I was definitely not going to attempt the elevator. As I started down the steps, I heard Dean call something after me, that sounded like "Do you need me-," but I had already begun running and so I did not hear the end.

I rushed down the many stairs as the sick feeling grew. My legs began to shake, as they often did in the midst of a panic attack. _There wasn't concern in his voice. You heard him incorrectly. He was telling you that you really don't look good. He's __**disgusted**__ by you. _

I hurried through the reception area, ignoring the questions Charlie was shouting at me. I broke into the warm air from outside, and immediately felt no relief.

The cool air of winter calms my anxiety effectively, yet today when I rushed out I was met only with humid, summer air, like a tidal wave over every visible surface of my skin. Ignoring the lack of relief, I walked quickly over to my car, unlocking it and getting inside. I turned the ignition, not to drive away, yet only to play music. I was playing Symphony no. 5, by Beethoven on the way to work, so it started half way through. I relaxed my head against the back rest and tried to control my breathing and my thoughts.

_It doesn't matter if he does not want to be your friend. He is your boss, and that is all he __**should **__be. You should never have become close with him. You should have arrived, completed your work and gone home. It does not matter- _My thoughts were interrupted by a tapping on the window.

"Cas, buddy what's wrong?" This time I was certain that there was genuine concern etched deep into his features. I started to feel as though I had overreacted immensely, he had not figured it out, as there would be no reason for him to have realised. I slowly began to feel the anxiety ebb away and the embarrassment take its place.

I realised that I was sitting there staring at him, and he was beginning to look startled. I rolled down my window. "I'm sorry, Dean. I'm fine. I will come back up to the office now." As I started to get out of my car I looked at my watch and realised it was still only 30 minutes past 8. The office would still be empty for at least another 20 minutes.

"Dude what happened? You turned like sheet white and bolted."

"I'm sorry. I felt anxious, and it became too hot and claustrophobic in the office, I really am sorry." I looked at him with what I hoped was a pleading look, so that he would not become angry with me.

"Woah stop apologising, remember what I told you? If you have an attack and you gotta go, then it's completely fine, I get it! As long as you're okay now... you are okay aren't you?"

I thought about it for a moment, before realising that my breathing had returned almost completely normal, and the nausea was a lot less intense. "Yes, I feel better now, thank you. We should go back up to the office." He nodded and began walking towards the building.

As we entered into the reception area again I caught sight of Charlie and realised I had ignored her when I made my exit. "Dean, would you wait a moment please?"

He stopped and turned to face me, "sure, what is it?"

"I just need to speak to Charlie; I will be back in a second." He nodded, and walked to the side to wait out of people's way.

I walked over to the desk and she too had concern present in her features. "Hey Cas, you okay?"

"Yes, hello Charlie. I am sorry for ignoring you earlier, I was feeling very unwell. I am feeling better now though; thank you for your concern."

"Ah I see, it's completely fine. Glad you're feeling okay. See you at Dean's tonight?"

"Yes, I will be there. I heard you are not bringing a date, but Jo is. I am also coming alone."

"Hell yeah! We can be lonely together!" I smiled and nodded.

"Yes, see you there."

"See you later Cas, have a good day!"

"You too." I called out, and walked back to where Dean was standing.

"You good?" I nodded, and we walked to the stairwell, it would be too late now for it to be just the two of us. I also did not want to attempt the elevator after my attack.

When we reached the office, there were very few people present, so we walked straight into Dean's office.

"You sure you're good now?"

I smiled at his concern. "Yes thank you, I feel fine. I would like to apologise again for being so rude and just walking out."

"Seriously it's fine! You needed to go and I get that. Don't feel bad, I'm sure I would've done the same thing." _You're far too polite to do that,_ I thought, but did not voice my opinions in case he really did understand what I meant this time.

"Okay, thank you Dean." In response he smiled and I was glad that I was sitting down, as he flashed his flawless grin. Each time it made me feel more attracted to him, even if only slightly. It was as if he had rooted himself in my mind from the first time I saw him, and each time I speak to him it only grows larger.

We sat in his office for the remaining 15 minutes that we had before work begun, talking about his party that evening. I was told to dress casual, as a large number of his friends did not even own suits and that I should arrive 'around 8ish', in Dean's words.

When the clock hand hit 9, I said good-bye and made my way to my desk with high hopes that I would enjoy the evening ahead of me.

I arrived home at 5:20, ensuring that I had plenty of time to prepare myself for the evening.

I got into my apartment and immediately went to shower. Despite the fact that I had showered in the morning, I'm sure the panic attack I had had left me redolent of something foul that must have multiplied throughout my day. I washed a little more than I normally would, perhaps unconsciously so I can appeal to Dean's senses, despite how nothing could ever happen between him and me. Yet it also explains why I took a little longer in front of the mirror to ensure that my hair was my own definition of perfect.

Once I was satisfied that I was clean and that my hair looked acceptable, I started to choose what I would wear.

I did not own many things that were 'casual'; I mainly wore my plain black suit, with the white undershirt. Although, in the back of my closet I found a pair of jeans that my brother Gabriel had forced me to buy when we were out shopping together last year. I am sure that they qualify as casual, so I then only needed to find a shirt to wear.

Eventually I settled on a plain black tshirt that clung tightly to my skin. It felt uncomfortable and odd compared to the suit I normally wear, yet I did not mind too much as I was certainly not going to find anything different to wear that came under the category of 'casual'. I added a pair of plain black shoes with my outfit and did not bother to look for a jacket, as the party would be inside, and the warmth of the summer air was still very prominent, even during the night.

I decided that I would eat before I arrived, as it was unlikely that there would be any food at his party, yet also very likely that there would be alcohol.

I realised that I did not have very many ingredients to cook, as I am a terrible cook, so I thought of leaving early and stopping at Fast Fries for a burger before I arrived at Dean's.

I also decided that I would bring a bottle of wine as my mother always reminded me that it is rude to arrive at somebody's house without a gift. And I definitely did not want to appear rude to Dean.

I left my apartment at 7:10, and got a burger from Fast Fries. I sat in my car eating it, until the time was right for me to arrive on time.

Dean told me that he lived in apartment 21B on the 5th floor, and so I arrived there, knocking on the door at exactly 8 o'clock.

Dean opened the door shirtless. He looked at me and faltered for a moment, his mouth hanging slightly ajar, before he lightly shook his head and spoke. "Hey Cas, you're uh, oh shit you're right on time."

I stood there, motionless, taking in the full sight of Dean's angelically carved body. His muscular, toned torso is even more mesmerising uncovered by the fabric of his shirt. I realised just in time that I was staring, and attempted a smile. "Hello Dean. Are you sure I am not early?"

"No dude, I'm just running late, come in!" He stepped back, allowing me to enter. "People don't normally come on time to my parties so I'm not used to it. Jo will probably be here soon though. Just let me throw on a shirt, and I'll be ready and back out." I nodded, inwardly telling him that he did not need to bother putting a shirt on.

"I have brought a bottle of wine too." He smiled and thanked me, taking it with him and placing it on the counter in the kitchen as he walked into another room.

He came out after a couple of minutes had passed, I was taking the in the appearance of his living room. Central there was a brown leather sofa, with a light brown coffee table sitting on a white rug in front of it. On the wall facing the sofa there was a TV situated, with a record player placed next to it. Posters hung on the cream walls all around the living rooms. Posters from bands he had in his office such as AC/DC and Metallica, yet also other bands such as Black Sabbath.

"So, what do you think?" He sat next to me on his sofa, raising his eyebrows as he gestured to the rest of his apartment.

"It's lovely Dean. It reminds me a lot of you; I cannot imagine anybody else living here." He smiled and opened his mouth as if he was about to reply, yet there was a knock at the door.

"That's probably Jo and her date." Dean got up and walked over to the door. Jo stood there with a very scrawny looking man. He still happened to be taller than her, but very odd in the way he presented himself.

"Hey, Jo! Who's this?"

"Hey, this is Garth. Garth, this is Dean," she gestured towards him, "my friend, and this is our friend Cas." She turned and gestured towards me.

"Nice to meet you both, Jo's talked an awful lot about you." Already, from hearing him speak once he seemed like a very friendly person.

"Come in guys, other people will start arriving soon so let's get a couple drinks!"

After they had arrived, Dean got everybody a bottle of beer each out of his fridge. We sat talking and realised that our first impressions were right, Garth was a very nice person and Jo seemed to really like him. He continued to make us all laugh, and the way she looked at him when he spoke was a look that was filled to the brim with adoration. Eventually people started arriving, with a lot more alcohol, and by 9:30, around 20 people were in Dean's apartment. He had put on an album by Led Zeppelin.

By this point I had drunk many beers, and Dean decided that we should 'do a couple shots'. I do not particularly like the prospect of shots when I am sober, but I was tipsy and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Dean realised that he did not have any vodka left and most people had brought beer with them. So instead of shots, we turned to taking sips from the bottle of wine I had brought.

"Seriously dude, every bit of alcohol you give me is fucking amazing. If I- If I didn't know better I'd say you were trying to get me drunk." He slightly slurred his words, which made me realise that he had drunk a lot more than he had the last time we drank together; he did not seem even slightly incoherent the previous time.

"Thank you, Dean, I assure you it is not my intentions to get you drunk, I just enjoy giving you the 'good shit' you deserve." I had not realised the crude double meaning behind my words that even a heterosexual male would realise. Yet it did not seem to faze Dean, he only began chuckling, and I hid my blush by taking another sip.

Sooner than we had hoped, we had consumed the entire bottle of wine.

"I guess we'll have to start on more beers."

I nodded in approval. "I need to use the toilet Dean, where is it?"

"It's through there," he pointed to where he had gone before to put on a shirt. "It's the second door on the right."

I took in what he had said, or so I thought. I turned into where he said, but instead of opening the second door on the right, I opened the first door on the right. I burst in, and clearly I was in Dean's bedroom. I did not have time to look around as on the bed there was Charlie, kissing somebody. At first I could not make out who it was, but after I refocused my eyes I saw that it was a woman named Gilda, I had met her earlier in the night and she seemed lovely. It took me a second to realise that Charlie was actually kissing a woman, and that she too might be homosexual.

The look of fear in her eyes as she stared at me whilst I comprehended what I saw was something very relatable, I too had known that fear, so in my drunken state I then tried to make her feel at ease.

I smiled, attempting to make it appear sincere. "Sorry! I took the wrong door, oopsy!" I slapped my palm against my forehead to make it look as if I was being clumsy, "you two have fun in here." _Oopsy? Maybe I'm more drunk than I thought,_ yet I saw her smile briefly as the fear melted away from her features. It made me feel better about how I had completely made a fool of myself, especially by actually saying 'oopsy'.

I walked out of the room and shut the door quickly behind me; I ignored the blush finding its way once more onto my cheeks, and walked hastily to the bathroom. When I had returned to the kitchen, Dean was leaning against the surface with a beer in his hand. Another was on the surface, with the cap already taken off.

I picked it up, and immediately began drinking.

Dean and I continued to chat and joke very late into the night. The albums playing had been changed each time after they finished and eventually people began to leave – briefly saying farewell to Dean and still we continued talking. Charlie left at 12:45 with Gilda.

I saw her coming from Dean's bedroom and walking up to us. "Charlie! What's up dude?" In my inebriated state, I had no control of the words coming from my mouth.

She laughed, a lot, once she heard me. "Cas, you need to stop drinking!" She seemed a little wary of me, but not afraid any more.

"**You** need to stop drinking," I retorted.

Dean chuckled. "Anyways, guys I'm going now." She turned to Dean. "Make sure Cas gets home safely; I'm taking Gilda home so don't worry. By the way, if you guys haven't noticed, everyone else has gone home too. See you guys Monday! Good luck with the hangovers tomorrow!"

We smiled and said farewell, and then heard the door slam shut.

"Damn, I don't even remember Jo and Garth leaving. I'm sure they're okay, but I'll ring her in the morning." He looked in thought. "I like that Garth dude, he seems cool."

I nodded in agreement. "You're right; he does seem like a very cool dude." Dean laughed again.

"I gotta get you drunk more often if it means you talk like that."

I smiled then thought of Charlie and Gilda again. I wasn't sure if she was kissing her because of the drink, or because she was a homosexual. If I had not been drunk I would never have asked, yet the alcohol intensified my curiosity. "Dean, is Charlie a homosexual?"

Dean raised one eyebrow at my question, before his lips curved upwards. "Yeah, did you catch her and Gilda?"

"Yes, they make a very cute couple." Dean smiled, before looking at his beer, as if deep in thought again. I silently wondered whether he would abruptly leave his **own** apartment like he left mine the time before. Yet he didn't. This time, he spoke.

"Cas, are you gay?" He looked up from his glass, and deep into my eyes. If he hadn't been drinking, I would have wondered about the largely dilated pupils around slits of emerald green. At the point when he asked, I had been taking a sip of my drink and had almost choked. If I myself had not been drinking, I wouldn't have hesitated to lie; I would not lose him to something as trivial as my sexuality. Yet I had been drinking, and I did not hesitate to tell the truth.

"Yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

Dean did not answer my question with words, instead he strode across the kitchen and his lips made impact with my own. I felt him push against me with an intensity I had never felt before. Immediately I began moving my lips against his, until they moved in perfect synchronicity. I could taste the alcohol on Dean's tongue as it traced against my lips, I could feel the slight stubble from his chin rub against my own. It was what I had been longing for, for the past month. It was finally happening, and Dean wanted it too. His tongue entered my mouth and I reciprocated the action. I wound one arm around the back of his neck, pulling him in closer to me, as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss. I put my other arm around the small of his back; both of his hands were tugging against my hair.

Eventually, without breaking the kiss, Dean picked me up and placed me on the kitchen surface we had been leaning against. I wrapped my legs around his back as he stood in front of me. He pulled away from the kiss, leaving me breathless.

"Cas, you have no fucking idea how long I've wanted to do that. I didn't think you were gay and I just, I didn't wanna lose you. People aren't very you know accepting of being gay, but I saw how you were with Charlie, you didn't even mention it. And so I took a shot asking you, which I'm fucking glad I took now."

"I am also fucking glad you took it too, Dean." He smiled, pulling me in for a small, tender kiss.

"If you want, you can sleep here tonight, I mean like not to do anything 'cause yeah, but I mean, you can just stay here. It's pretty late and you're wasted. I'm not having you driving and getting yourself killed."

I smiled at how awkward he had become, "I would like that, thank you Dean." Once I had replied, he took my hand and led me to the first room on the right. He pulled back the covers on his bed, and got in; I took the hint as to do the same. It felt completely comfortable. As I climbed into the bed, he turned to face me. I lay down and intertwined his hand into mine; he smiled and pulled me in for another kiss. This time was just as intense, yet a lot slower; it felt gentler and calmer.

He broke away again, before smiling at me. "Good night, Cas."

"Good night, Dean."

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**I couldn't remember anybody Charlie had dated so I decided on the fairy she kissed in 8x11 "LARP and the Real Girl." I also couldn't remember anybody that Jo had dated and I've wanted to write Garth into a fic for a while, so I just chose him. I don't exactly ship them together but yeah. **

**Hope you all liked the chapter, please favourite/follow/review if you enjoyed it!**

**Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, only the plot is mine.**_

**Trigger warning: This chapter has a description of a panic attack; if you are triggered easily please do not read. I wouldn't want to be the cause of an attack, stay safe.**

**This chapter is dedicated to castielsbee for being completely awesome! You should check out her fics, they're amazing!**

**Thank you again for all the favourites/follows/reviews for this, they make me smile so much when I see them or read them! Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

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_Saturday 14__th__ July (1982)_

Dear Diary,  
I awoke this morning in a very unfamiliar setting, I was comfortable and content, yet confusion began to seep its way into my head. I looked around and could not recognise where I was. Just as I was about to get up and explore, I realised there was a weight draped across me, and a warmth down my left side. I tilted my head slightly to look, and I saw Dean's face nuzzled into my neck, lying on his front with his left arm wrapped around my torso. I smiled; the events of the night before came flooding back into my memory.

I remember walking in on Charlie, and discovering her hidden secret – the same secret that I have been hiding. I remember confessing my homosexuality to Dean, only to have him confess his to me too, not through his words initially, but through his actions – which I had absolutely no problem with. Unless he only did it because he was drunk, unless he is going to wake up this morning, with no memory of last night, and be completely disgusted by me. _Oh my god, it was the alcohol. How could you be so stupid Castiel, there is no getting out of this now._

I felt my throat constrict and the need for oxygen become more prominent, I felt the nausea flare inside me, causing me to begin shaking. Just as I was about to run to the bathroom, I felt Dean stir beside me. I realised that his arm was still wrapped around my waist, and I would not be able to remove it now without waking him. Unfortunately, he awoke regardless of the fact that I attempted to quieten my breathing, and stop the shudders rippling through my body.

His eyelids fluttered open, revealing the green landscapes circling his pupils. He smiled at me, and I attempted a smile that I am certain showed as a grimace. He continued staring, not once dragging his eyes away from mine. I began to feel myself relax again, he had this effect over me, his presence and his calm just radiates into me. Or maybe the fact that he did not bolt a hundred yards once he saw me in his bed made me feel a little better about the situation.

After seconds, or minutes – I am uncertain of how long, had passed, he leant in, planting a light kiss on my lips. He tightened his arm around my waist, and the simple gesture comforted me. There was absolutely no way that Dean was still inebriated, and therefore he still wanted this, therefore everything he had said last night was true. He had wanted to kiss me, but was unsure of my reaction. My panicking before he awoke, once again, seemed like an overreaction. I come to conclusions very quickly, panicking myself before I need to. Yet it did not matter, because as I felt him pressed into my side, and I knew that he wanted to be there as much as I wanted him there. He wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss him. So anything that had happened previously did not matter. All that mattered was him.

He licked his chapped lips, before he opened them to speak. "Morning, beautiful." He winked and I felt the blush tint my cheeks; he chuckled once he had noticed. "I could get used to waking up like this dude."

"I agree Dean, it is quite pleasant." He leant in and kissed me again, this time lingering for a little while. "To be honest with you, I did not think you would remember last night. I was slightly worried that it was the drink that had made you kiss me." I turned my face and hid it into the pillow; it felt odd being completely honest with him, considering that I had already had to lie for the majority of our friendship.

"Dude it **was** the drink, I'd never have had the guts to do it sober, without even knowing if you liked me." I smiled, thinking of Dean unsure of whether **I **liked **him**, it seemed odd to think that anybody would not.

"Well I'm glad the drink gave you guts." I took my hand and wove it into the hand that was wrapped around my waist. His fingers laced into mine and it felt natural, as if the moulds fit.

As he we lay together, simply enjoying each other's presence, I suddenly felt another wave of nausea pass over me. I was certain this time that it was not my anxiety, and then I realised that this must be an effect of the drinking. The wave passed, but another came around quickly and had intensified considerably. My mouth watered and I knew I would not be able to hold it in. I let go of Dean's hand and ran to his bathroom. I made it there just in time to see the remains of my burger last night, along with a lot of an odd coloured liquid spill into the toilet bowl.

I heard footsteps coming up behind me as I retched, holding onto the toilet like a life support.

"Cas! You okay?"

I let myself finish retching before I nodded. "I think I will be fine, it must be the alcohol."

Dean sat himself down next to where I was. I leant my face against the toilet seat; it was cold enough to provide relief from my hot flush, and also to slightly relieve the pounding in my head that seemed to sharpen by the minute. He started rubbing circles onto my back, initially inducing another round of vomit, yet my stomach eventually settled, and I had sat for what seemed like hours without the nausea or onset of throwing up.

"Okay dude it's been half an hour since you last threw up, you're probably good now. I'll get you another glass of water for you to **sip** this time, and a couple paracetamol now that you'll keep them down." I frowned, remembering when he had got me my first glass of water. The alcohol and vomiting had left me severely thirsty, so I gulped down practically the entire glass. It stayed down for a mere 90 seconds, before it made its reappearance.

I groaned, and he just chuckled before walking out of the bathroom. I could not believe that on my first day with Dean, actually **with **him, he was helping me nurse a particularly severe hangover.

I sighed when I heard him come back with the paracetamol, knowing that the relief would be considerably rapid. "Okay, you're gonna take two of these and sip this water. If you can hold it all down then we'll leave the bathroom." He chuckled. "Imagine us spending the day together in a toilet."

I smiled. "I'm a real class act, huh."

"I wouldn't entirely disagree." I looked up at him, and saw him wink at me. I grimaced, ignoring the need to vomit once more. I took the pills from him and swallowed them with small sips of water.

We waited for half an hour and after I had drunk all the water without vomiting again, we decided to go and sit in the living room. He helped me to my feet, and we fell back onto the sofa.

After that point, I slowly started to feel a lot better. At around noon, I even became hungry. We had spent up until that point chatting about the party the night before.

"Dean, I feel a lot better now. Could I maybe have some food?"

"Sure, you've not thrown up for a couple hours so you should be good. Hangovers don't normally last all day."

I sighed, that was something that I was pleased to hear. "Thank you. I know a good burger place on West 11th Street; we could go there if you wanted?"

Dean's eyes widened, in what I am sure was false shock. "You want to **buy** a burger?"

I nodded slowly, unsure of where he was going with this.

He only shook his head. "Dude, I don't wanna eat something that tastes like it's been heated up in a microwave oven at the Mini-Mart."

I laughed; his over-exaggeration about a simple burger was quite comical. "Okay Dean, we can go somewhere else if you wish."

"Nu-uh. Hell no. I have a kitchen; I'm cooking this food for us."

"Okay fine, at least I won't have to go out." He laughed with me now.

By the time he was cooking, I felt completely fine. It was as if I hadn't been throwing up my entire digestive system that morning. I walked over to the kitchen, where he was frying my burger.

"Wow, it really looks delicious Dean."

"Damn right it does. And you're gonna enjoy every bite." He looked up at me and flashed me his grin, the grin that I have grown accustomed to over the past month.

"Well... I'm not making any promises."

"It wasn't a question, it was an order."

I smiled. "Dean, you're not my boss on the weekends." I winked at him, and he turned off the stove where he had just finished cooking the burgers.

He walked over to where I was standing in the kitchen, he put his hands around my waist and pulled me in. "Well then I guess I can do this then," he smiled before leaning in close to my face, yet he stopped, leaving a miniscule gap between our lips. He stayed there, never closing the distance, I wanted to lean forward and have his lips pressed against mine but I refused to give in. I could taste his breath on my tongue, and I was grateful I had brushed my teeth since I emptied my stomach earlier. Then he smiled, bringing his hand up to my chin, and twisting my face and giving me a peck on the cheek. "I guess I can do it, but I'll save it for later."

I groaned, causing a large chuckle from him. "Come on, or the burgers will get cold."

I helped him plate the burgers and then we walked over to the sofa again.

I lifted the burger to my lips, about to take a bite when I noticed that Dean's still sat on his plate. He was staring at me with a hopeful glint in his eyes. He must have been proud of his cooking, and I hoped to God that I enjoyed it.

I took the first bite, and the taste was even better than my Sticky burger at the diner. The flavours complemented each other to perfection, and each bite was better than the last.

"These make me... very happy." I smiled as I took another bite. He grinned before beginning his own burger.

We ate in a satisfying silence, and once we finished, we began to wash up.

Dean was in charge of washing the plates, and I was in charge of drying them afterwards.

Just as I was drying off the last plate, my face suddenly became very wet and soapy. I looked over to see Dean laughing; his hands smothered in bubbles, bubbles that were now also residing on my face.

I couldn't help but laugh too. "I'll make you pay for that, Winchester."

"Bring it, Novak." With that, I dipped my hand into the bubbles, and slapped them onto Dean's shoulder. Hard enough to make the slapping sound, and probably leave a red hand print.

"Dude! The shirt!" He exclaimed yet immediately flicked another lot of bubbles into my hair, then onto my own shirt.

I took a handful, and ruffled them into Dean's hair, before flicking another lot at his face.

He spluttered slightly before wiping his eyes with his thumbs. "Right, that's it." He reached forward, pulling me in, grabbing another handful of bubbles and placing his hand around the back of my neck, causing the bubbles to fall down my back, outside and inside my shirt. This time I could not wait. I grabbed his waist and pulled him into me so that our chests were touching. I gently leant in and placed my lips against his. Immediately, his lips started moving as did mine. The gentle innocence of the original kiss was lost as my hands travelled along his back, dragging my nails across the smooth skin under his shirt. The hand that was around my neck moved its way up, becoming tangled in the mess that was my bed hair, and tugging with each movement. Just as he did last night, Dean used his other hand to pick me up around my waist and hoist me onto the kitchen surface. This time though, he did not break the kiss.

His kisses moved from my lips to my jaw. He gently placed kisses along my jawline till he reached my ear. He moved his lips up and whispered "Castiel," his smooth voice sending shivers along my entire body. He then trailed his lips down until he was kissing my neck. I ran my fingers through his short, blond hair.

Eventually his lips found mine again and we moved in unison. He had pulled himself right against me, with my legs wrapped against his waist to create friction. The kisses were now short and hot, I could taste his breath again.

Short of air, I pulled away and leant my forehead against his. I could hear his own ragged breaths as he held my neck and head against his. Breathing heavily, he managed "Damn. If I knew you could kiss me like that I'd have kissed you a long time ago."

I smiled, "well you better get used to it," I said before pulling him in again.

I hopped off of the surface before heading into the bathroom to get a towel. As I was walking away from him, I turned back briefly to see him staring at my behind, his mouth slightly ajar as it had been when I arrived yesterday. I faced forward again, and as I walked I said "It's rude to stare, you know Dean."

I could hear him chuckling from where I was inside the bathroom, searching for a towel.

I turned around to see Dean standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame. "Towel's in the cupboard under the sink."

I looked and found one, I began to dry my shirt but it was useless with it still on.

"Would you mind if I took my shirt off to dry it?"

His smile seemed sly. "I would not mind a single bit." I rolled my eyes before removing my shirt slowly, feeling slightly self conscious. My body was nowhere near as toned and defined as Dean's is, and definitely not as muscular. Yet I still saw Dean's eyes widen and his jaw drop once I fully removed my shirt.

"What did I tell you about staring?"

Dean did not laugh or chuckle; he only moved towards me and ran his hand down my chest. "You always surprise me, you know that?"

"Well, I can assure you it is not intentional. I should probably just put my shirt back on and let it dry on its own."

"You don't need to do that, look I'll take mine off too if you want to feel a little more comfortable?"

I smiled at his attempt to comfort me. "No it's fine; I don't think that would help."

"Or you can borrow one of mine? It'll be fine." I smiled, clearly he'd rather I wear no shirt, yet he still wanted to do what would make me feel comfortable. I had definitely picked wisely. He left the bathroom and returned minutes later with a black shirt with "AC/DC" written in red on the front of it.

"Here you are, it might be a little loose on you but it should be okay."

"Thank you Dean, I appreciate it." I took the shirt and pulled it on. Dean was right, it was a little loose so it didn't cling to my skin, yet I preferred it that way. For the third time today Dean's jaw dropped, and his eyes slightly widened. His pupils were large black holes inside thin green circles.

"You know, if you keep staring like that, your eyes will get stuck like it."

He raised his eyebrows. "If I get to keep staring at you, I wouldn't mind."

I smiled, and then I remembered. "Oh shit, Dean what is the time?"

"Uh," he looked at his watch, "it's about half 1."

"Okay good, thank God. I will need to leave in a moment."

"Why? Where you gotta go?"

"I have therapy today at 2."

"Ah okay." He thought for a moment, before saying "guess what. Jo's mum's a therapist."

"It's quite a funny story actually, it turns out that my therapist – Dr Harvelle is in fact Jo's mum."

His eyes widened. "No way. That's so weird."

"It is quite a coincidence."

He looked down for a moment, as he often did when he was thinking. "Hey, would you mind like if I came with you? I'll sit in the waiting room, but it'd be good to see Ellen again."

I smiled; this meant I would be able to spend more time with Dean. "Of course, Jo does not know yet so we have to keep this quiet. Dr Harvelle knows that I know you and Jo though."

"That's cool; you wanna take your car or mine?"

"We can take your car, I like watching you when you listen to your music."

"I've noticed. I thought you just thought it was funny."

He blushed slightly. "It's endearing." I paused for a moment. "I'll need to stop off at my apartment to pick something up first. We should probably get going now though. I'm assuming you know where her office is right?"

"Yeah, it's the office on the corner of Park Avenue and East 57th, right?"

I nodded. "Okay, well let's go then. My apartment first." Dean nodded and we walked down to his car.

Once inside 'Baby', Dean turned on the music, and what I am now informed is Led Zeppelin blared out, scaring both of us nearly out of our seats. "Shit sorry! I didn't realise I had it on that loud."

"It's fine, Dean. You just better not deafen me, if I never get to hear you say my name like you did earlier, I think I'd slowly turn insane. Well, **more **insane."

He laughed. "You're not **that** insane," as he spoke he began to lean in. I coughed and he immediately snapped his head away.

"Dude, what was that?"

"We're uh, well there are people around."

"Oh fuck, I've gotta learn to be more careful in public." I laughed.

"Yes, you definitely do."

He pulled away and soon we arrived at my apartment complex. "I will only be a moment." I got out before he could respond. I ran up the stairs, and arrived outside my door sweaty and panting for breath. I fumbled around with my keys before finally getting it into the lock and running to my room. I still needed to bring my diary with me. Like I have previously mentioned, Dr Harvelle does not read my diary; she only needs evidence that I have written it.

I pulled it out from the locked drawer in my desk, along with my wallet and left my apartment, ensuring to lock everything behind me. I held my diary in my hands as I got into the Impala.

"What you got there?"

I trusted Dean; I did not mind telling him "it's my diary. Dr Harvelle has me write it so I can read through and document everything going on with my nervous disorder. But I write about everything in here."

Dean smiled. "Am I in there?"

"Of course you are Dean, you have been in my life for over a month now, and I see you almost every day. You're one of my only friends, and I've had a crush on you since we first met. So of course you're in there."

"Wow, I didn't expect that. I'm pretty sure if I had to write a diary though it would probably consist of you, a little bit of Jo and Sammy, and then a lot more you." He winked at me, causing the familiar rush of blood to my cheeks.

"Well I'm flattered Dean, I guess we are a large part of each other's lives now."

He nodded, smiling; his eyes fixed on the road ahead.

When we pulled up to Dr Harvelle's office, Dean parked the Impala and we walked in side by side, as close as we could get without drawing attention.

We walked up to the receptionist. "Hello, I am Castiel Novak. I am here for my appointment with Dr Harvelle."

"Ah yes, Novak. Okay Dr Harvelle will be out shortly, I'll let her know you have arrived. Take a seat." I was told the exact same thing every time I went.

We smiled at her and then sat down in the waiting area. We placed our hands on the same armrest, so that they were brushed against each other.

Moments later, Dr Harvelle walked out and smiled once she saw Dean and I.

"Castiel, hello! And Dean, how are you doin' boy?"

"Ellen! I'm good thanks, thought I'd tag along with Cas today. I'll wait out here till you guys are done."

"Very well, come on then Cas." I laughed inwardly at how quickly Ellen had caught on to the nickname.

I turned and smiled good-bye at Dean, before following Ellen into her office.

"So, how have you been this past week? Any anxiety attacks."

I fumbled to remember my past week. "Yes, I have had a couple."

She nodded. "Tell me what happened."

"Well, I thought I had accidentally told somebody about my homosexuality, and it scared me. It was a very severe anxiety attack. I had a mild one on Tuesday when I was at the grocery store. I felt very claustrophobic, and as if everybody was watching me. I began to feel very sick both times and I sweated profusely."

"Right, who did you think you had let know?"

"Uh, that was Dean."

"And did he find out?"

"No, well not then he didn't."

"Does he know now then?"

"Uh- yes, yes he does."

"How did he take the news? This may seem unprofessional, but I have known Dean for a long time, also with how you two were sitting out there, I'm pretty sure that he took the news well."

I smiled remembering last night, once he had found out the news.

"I can also tell by the grin that is now sittin' on your features boy. Are you two dating now?" I deducted that she must have known about Dean's own homosexuality as she knows him so well.

I nodded, assuming that that is what Dean and I are doing. "That's good; I think you'd be good for each other. Off the record, that boy's been needin' someone like you in his life for a long while. Jo tells me 'bout how lonely he gets, and it breaks my heart. That kid's given enough of his life, he deserves happiness."

"I agree, thank you. It means a lot to me that you think I would be able to give him happiness."

She smiled."Oh I don't just think it, I know it. I've not seen him look that happy in years." Hearing that sent butterflies to my stomach, I truly did not know the full impact I had had on Dean. It felt good to know that I made him happy. "Now look at you smilin' like anythin'. That was off-record remember? We won't count that as part of the session. Just thought you should know."

I nodded. "Thank you, Dr Harvelle."

"So now, have you been keepin' that diary I told you to?"

"Yes, there are not many entries so far, as there has not been much to document. But I assure you that I do document whenever something significant happens."

"Okay, well let's have a look then. How much you got down?" I handed her the book and she flicked through the pages, and the look on her face told me that she was satisfied. "That's fine, keep it up, and make sure you bring it every session." She smiled and handed me the book back.

"I will do, thank you."

After that, we continued the rest of the session as normal, Dean was brought up multiple times, mostly because my life appears to be full of him at the moment – not that I mind.

When the hour was up I paid for my session and we went back out to greet Dean.

"Guys, you're back!"

"Yes, hello Dean. We should probably get going."

Ellen smiled at us. "I'll see you around boys. Dean, Cas, look after Jo would you? I don't want her gettin' hurt by that buffoon, Garth!"

"'Course Ellen, we'll keep him in line." I smiled and nodded. She seemed pleased, and turned back to her office.

"I do not think we need to worry about Garth hurting Jo. He seemed perfectly lovely last night."

Dean smiled, "have I got a little competition with Garth?"

I flushed crimson. "No, I was just uh- no I meant that-"

Dean's laughter cut me off. "Dude, I'm messin' with ya. I thought you'd gotten used to it by now."

"Oh, well I like Garth; he is a good partner for Jo."

"I agree. You want me to drop you back at your place?" I nodded, I wanted to spend more time with Dean, yet I did not want to push any boundaries.

He seemed slightly dejected, yet smiled to hide it anyway. "Okay, let's go."

We arrived outside my apartment, and I hesitated to leave him. "I would uh kiss you goodbye, but we are outside."

"Well you could always invite me upstairs for a bit?" I smiled, knowing this would be pushing no boundaries.

"Dean, would you like to come into my apartment for a bit?"

"I would be delighted to."

We walked into the complex, and up the stairs, getting closer with each step that we took.

I unlocked my door and let Dean in first, following straight after and shutting the door as quickly as possible. As soon as it was closed, I grabbed Dean's hand turning him around and pulling him into me. Our lips crashed together with force. I was now pressed into my front door and I held him as close as I could. When he pulled away, his lips were glossy and swollen.

"Damn, you'd think we hadn't been able to kiss for weeks or something."

"I would not disagree. But it did feel like that." He nodded before pecking me on the lips once more.

"Dean, would you want to stay here tonight? In your words – or there abouts – not to do anything 'cause uh yeah but you could just stay here?"

He chuckled at my mocking of his awkwardness the previous night. "I would like that a lot."

For the rest of the night we sat talking, and Dean educated me more on the music he likes, letting me know that I would be tested on all that I had learnt. I then educated him on the music I listen to, and warned him of my own test.

We did not get into bed until 1am; we had eaten the pizza we ordered quite late, so we sat eating that and talking until then.

This time we were not inebriated, so we changed into two sets of my pyjamas and crawled into bed. When Dean lay down, he rest his hands behind his head, and I rest my head on his chest. I sprawled my arm across his waist, as he had done to me that morning, and we lay together, listening to the other's breathing. Not needing to say a word. It was the most peacefully I had drifted to sleep for a long while.

Dr Harvelle may have known how much Dean needs me, but she did not know actually how much, I too, need Dean.

* * *

**Okay so the microwave at minimart line is from 2x05 "Simon Said", I had to change the line a bit but the original is "**one day _I'd love_ to just _sit down and eat something I didn't have to microwave at a minimart". _

_**And the "these make me... very happy" is the line from 5x14 "My Bloody Valentine". **_

_**The bit with the therapy session, I apologise if some of you do not think it's accurate, but I used to go to some and mine usually started how theirs did – minus the unprofessionalism and stuff, so yeah, hope it was okay to read regardless.**_

**I apologise if this chapter is a load of crap, I wrote it all today while I was home sick, but hope you all liked the chapter anyways, please favourite/follow/review if you enjoyed it!**

**Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, only the plot is mine.**_

**Thank you again for all the favourites/follows/reviews for this, they make me smile so much when I see them or read them! Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

_Monday 16__th__ July (1982)_

Dear Diary,  
Yesterday, Dean left my apartment fairly late at night, we had spent the day sitting in together as well as watching 'Star Wars'. I had heard of this movie series, yet I had never seen them – a fact which shocked Dean to great depths. His exact words were "there's no fucking way you're living another day without watching Star Wars." It was considerably poetic. After that outburst, we drove to his own apartment, so I could pick up my car that I had left there from Friday night, as well as picking up 'Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope' as Dean did not own the video of the second movie 'Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back' on video. We returned, both driving our own cars back to my apartment. We watched the movie sitting on my sofa, Dean put his arm around me and I leant into him, we remained that way for the entirety of the movie. I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed it, despite generally having no interest in 'sci-fi'; it was intriguing with a brilliant plot. If I had any friends besides Dean then I would definitely recommend it to them. He left, with the promise of our hour at the office before work began in the morning. I went to sleep with a smile on my face, feeling happier than I could remember ever being.

When I awoke I realised that I had overslept and that it was 7:45. I got out of bed so quickly that it made my head rush and I had to take a moment to steady myself. Once the temporary dizziness passed, I showered and dressed as quickly as was possible. I left the house without a thought of food.

I drove as fast as I could to Wall Street, making it there at 8:15. An impressive time considering I had been awake not even an hour. I took the elevator, willing it to speed up just this once as I waited impatiently to arrive at the 34th floor.

I all but ran inside the office, crashing through the door with a loud thump.

"Cas!?" Dean all but ran outside of his office upon hearing the noise.

"Hello, Dean."

He chuckled. "Well you certainly know how to make an entrance." The door was closed behind me and I looked around the office, checking that it was empty before I strode over to Dean giving him a light peck on the lips in greeting. "Definitely good at entrances," he smirked.

I smiled at him before pushing him into his office.

"I enjoyed Star Wars yesterday Dean, I would like it if one day we could watch the next one. I understand you have already seen it, but I hope you would not mind." His grin widened.

"I've created a fan, I'm awesome."

"You have indeed Dean, is there going to be any more movies?"

"Yeah, there's one scheduled to be out next year if I recall correctly, I think I remember Charlie telling me."

"That's excellent. We should go see that together. I mean, if you uh– wanted to."

"Of course I want to Cas, I'd love it."

I smiled; I felt the growingly familiar spread of warmth as Dean reminded me that he **did** actually want to be with me.

"I'm sorry I was late this morning, I overslept considerably."

"Its fine, we'll just have to 'overrun' our lunch a little," he air-quoted, grinning mischievously.

"I would not mind that at all." I responded.

Dean looked at his hands, fiddling with his tie. "I just wanted to say, everybody thinks that I'm straight – Jo included, because well I thought I was until I met you and I haven't said anything to anyone, so uh– could we keep this quiet for a little while?"

I was stunned, I assumed that Dean had always been homosexual – especially with Ellen making the assumption that we were a couple on Saturday. "Uh yes Dean, that's perfectly fine. But, well, Ellen may know."

His eyes widened, his features laced with confusion and fear. "Wait what? Did you tell her?"

I fumbled over my words. "Uh- well kind of. Well, she guessed and I assumed that she knew you were a homosexual. I apologise Dean, I should not have made that assumption." I watched him compute the information.

"Wait she guessed? What the fuck man, even I didn't know. Its fine I guess, she didn't say anything."

"Well yes. I told her about my anxiety attacks and the one I had when I thought I had accidentally told you that I was a homosexual, and well, she asked if you **did **know, and I told her that not then you didn't. She asked me if you did now, and because I grinned, and because of how we were in the waiting room, I guess she deducted that we were dating each other."

"I see. Wait you had an anxiety attack 'cause of me?"

I looked down, avoiding his gaze. "Yes, on Thursday I thought I had told you and it gave me an anxiety attack because I didn't want to lose you." I heard no response, and slowly moved my eyes upwards, seeing him staring at me with pain in his eyes.

"Oh my god Cas. I'm so sorry, I didn't realise it was my fault. You're definitely not gonna lose me okay?"

I looked down and did not answer; people usually get bored of me which is why my friend count is at the impressive total of 3.

He got up from behind his desk and leant on it in front of me. He took my hands in his from where I was fiddling with them on my lap. "Look Cas, I swear. I haven't felt like this for anyone before and I've known you what a month? You're **not** gonna lose me."

I felt the warmth of his hands heat my own abnormally cold fingers, he rubbed soothing circles as I looked up again to meet him in the eye. "Thank you, Dean. You will never lose me. I cannot afford to lose another friend now, can I?" I winked at him and he chuckled.

"Damn straight." He smiled. I smiled back at him before a thought struck me. I reached up and grabbed at his tie, pulling it and subsequently him, in for a kiss. Our lips met and the electricity sparked inside of me as it usually did. I felt his warmth envelope me as he caressed the side of my face with his palm. Like our usual kisses, this was deep and passionate. I felt closer to him than I ever had before. It was not just the taste of his breath on my tongue, or the feel of his skin caressing my own, it was the sincerity in his eyes as I pulled him in, the smile before our lips met. It was knowing that I had Dean wholly – 'you're not gonna lose me'. That he was mine and I was his. It felt different this time, it was better.

Dean lowered himself down so he was straddling my lap, allowing him to be closer to me, and I wrapped both of my arms around his waist and he tightened his around my neck. He leant further into the kiss just as the door swung open.

Jo stood in the doorway wide-eyed, the coffees she held in her hands dropped to the office floor – their black innards spilt over the soft cream of the carpet. Dean immediately jumped from my lap, putting as much distance between him and me as it was possible to do. I sat up straight in the chair, crimson smearing the entirety of my face and a nausea that was all too familiar sitting in the pit of my stomach. My hands began to shake and my breathing started quick and heavy.

"Oh my god." Jo covered her mouth with her hand as her eyes remained wide with shock and confusion.

Dean's face took a shade similar to my own, and I also saw him visibly shaking. I knew the feeling.

But Jo's face unusually changed, it turned into realisation and then acceptance. Her features returned to normal and eventually a smile placed itself on her face. Both Dean and I looked at each other in disarray.

"When did this happen?"

Dean looked at me again, as if to let me know he was unsure of what to think. But he answered regardless, "Uh– on Friday night."

Her smile stretched. "Okay good, you guys haven't been keeping it from me for too long."

Dean and I looked at her, then back at each other once more. Confusion profound and evident in both of our features.

"You're uh– you're okay with this?" Dean asked.

"Well yeah I admit I was completely shocked at first. It's not every day that you walk in on your two best friends kissing each other, especially not your two **guy** friends. But you guys seemed pretty happy to me and what kinda best friend would I be if I wasn't happy for ya'll too?"

Dean still seemed uncertain, yet he nodded slowly. "I see, so you're not like gonna hate us and quit?"

She feigned shock, placing her hand on her heart and leaning back slightly. "I'm hurt. Of course not, now why would I do that?"

"Well this isn't exactly an accepted thing to do."

"Hey, who am I to judge? If you guys are happy I really don't care."

Dean visually loosened up at that point, seemingly happy that she wasn't going to lose control and go insane about it. "Thank you, Jo. We really appreciate it."

I realised that I hadn't spoken throughout the entire encounter. "Yes, thank you Jo. It is most kind and accepting of you."

"Don't worry about it ya'll. Now tell me everything."

Dean smiled and perched himself on the arm of my chair as she walked over and took his seat behind his desk.

"Well, we don't have much time at the moment, as me and Cas clearly lost track of time earlier," she giggled knowingly. "But uh, well, after everyone left on Friday night it was just us left. And we were pretty wasted, and well, I asked him if he was gay and he told me he was, so I just went for it. We've been together all weekend. I even got him watching Star Wars yesterday."

She smiled and turned to me. "What did you think of Star Wars, Cas?"

"Really Jo? My opinion of Star Wars is really all you got from that?"

"Well no, but the rest of it is trivial. Star Wars was the only thing that really matters." She winked and we all laughed. It felt good to know that another person was so accepting; I still had my two best friends, and the plus was that I did not have to keep this part of me a secret any longer, they knew and they did not care. I suppose it would be odd if Dean **did** care, considering.

"I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Dean and I are going to be watching 'The Empire Strikes Back' soon. I am quite excited."

"Hell yeah we are." Dean grabbed my hand from where it was fiddling with the other. Lacing his fingers into mine and spreading the warmth in from my fingertips. I feel more comfortable when I have Dean interlocked between my fingers. Not in a sexual way, not even in a romantic way, just in a way that I feel right when he's there.

"Well, I can't say I ever pictured you guys as a couple, I mean I knew you were close. But I never pictured a couple, and now I'm seeing you guys looking so fucking adorable, I don't know how I **didn't** see it." Jo smiled from where she was swinging in Dean's chair.

Dean looked at me with what can only be described as admiration in his eyes, "it doesn't matter now. We've got each other, and I ain't plannin' on losin' this one."

"I can assure you both, I do not plan on losing Dean either. Although we must keep this quiet. Dean is my boss and we could both get fired, not to mention the overruled opinion on homosexuality. I'm sure that some people would go to the extents of hurting one or both of us."

Jo nodded with sincerity and concern in her eyes. "Cas is right Dean, you seriously could both get fired. I'm pretty sure it's a written rule to not date your employees – especially ones of the same gender."

Dean nodded, slightly more fearful now. "I know I know, we gotta be really careful. Definitely to make sure that we don't have a repeat of today, imagine if it was somebody else who walked in on us. So right now it's only you, us both obviously and your mom that know."

Jo's expression turned to one of genuine surprise. "How the fuck does my mom know?"

"Oh uh–," Dean turned to me, stumbling to come up with a believable explanation.

I sighed, she would have found out eventually anyway. "Your mother is my therapist Jo, I have been seeing her for the past couple of months about a nervous disorder I've recently developed. Dean came to my session on Saturday and I told her about Dean and me."

Jo sat there, speechless. It was quite a lot to take in, in a short space of time. "Fuck Cas, I didn't know. I hope you're alright. Oh and don't give my mom too much dirt on me." She winked. I was grateful she did not press on any of the matters or ask questions for more information.

"I do not intend to, I would never do that. I'm sure you and Charlie could 'take me down' if I did." She started laughing, and I felt Dean move in silent laughter beside me.

"They could take both of us down dude, we wouldn't stand a chance."

"I agree." I looked at the watch on the wrist of my spare hand, and saw that it was almost 9. "We had better get to our desks, people should be arriving now." I then looked to see the coffees Jo had dropped previously, forgotten about and lying near the doorway. "And uh- we should clean that up."

Jo and Dean moved their eyes to where mine were, and nodded in agreement. "I'd almost forgotten about that." I was silently grateful that I did not have to ingest coffee, I was certain that it would give me a panic attack halfway through the day, one that would be most unwelcome.

Dean let go of my hand and got up from where he was resting on the arm of my chair; Jo and I followed suit.

Dean left his office and entered the bathroom situated to the left of his office to collect some paper towels that he had dampened. Jo and I picked up the useless coffee cups and placed them in the trash can. When Dean returned, he stated that there were 'a few people in the office now' and that we should be as discreet as possible, as well as getting to our desks as soon as we could manage.

We had the mess cleared in less than 2 minutes after Dean's return, and I was situated at my desk in another 3.

We got to work, and at 11:25 I noticed a presence at the front of my desk. When I looked up, I realised that it was the face of a colleague whose name I had not yet learnt.

"Hello, is there something that I can assist you with?" I had realised that around Dean and Jo, my formal etiquette seemed to becoming a lot less evident, yet it was an automatic reaction to speaking to somebody new.

"Yeah, your name's Novak, right?" The man seemed gruff in annoyance.

"Yes, I am Castiel. May I ask what your name is?"

"I'm Zachariah; most people just call me Zac."

"It is very pleasant to meet you Zac. May I ask again, is there something that I may assist you with?"

He seemed agitated further by the repetition of my original question. He spoke now in a hushed voice. "Yeah, what's up with the boss and the secretary, you're pretty good friends with them."

"What do you mean 'what is up' with them? Yes, we are all considerably good friends now."

"I mean what's the deal? She's hot, are they fucking?"

His vulgarity disgusted me and I was close to refusing any more form of conversation, yet I knew that this filthy man would force an answer from me.

"No, their relationship is purely platonic."

"What about you? Are **you** fucking her?"

The lack of manners or social etiquette stunned me substantially. "No, mine and Jo's relationship is also platonic. Although I, and I am sure they, are not fond of your way of phrasing the question."

His lips turned upwards in what can only be described as a snarl, accentuated by an obscene look in his squinted eyes. "I didn't ask for your fucking opinion, and don't mention this to them or I've got plans for you." I opened my mouth to retort but I was met with nothing as he had already begun walking away. I decided that I did not like Zachariah, and I definitely did not like him asking such intimate questions about Dean, Jo and I. The threat also made me feel slightly vulnerable. I felt that I needed to let them know immediately. Yet such behaviour would not exactly be subtle, so I decided to wait until lunch.

When the clock hit 2, I immediately packed up my things and walked over to Jo's desk to wait for her and Dean. Jo smiled at me from her desk where she was on the phone with what I am assuming is a client, and mouthed 1 second at me to let me know she would not be long.

As I stood waiting, I scanned the office for where Zachariah's desk was situated, and saw that it was in the middle of the room, facing Jo. He caught my eye as I looked, and he glared. 'If looks could kill', my mother's voice rang in my head and I understood now what she meant, I would certainly be deceased from the way he scowled at me.

As soon as Jo hung up the phone he turned his gaze back down to the work on his desk. I got a very wrong feeling about this man.

"Hey Cas, let's get Dean." I smiled and nodded in response and she got up from her desk, collecting her things quickly. We walked the metre to Dean's office door and tapped lightly.

"Come in," we heard him say sternly. He must have forgotten about lunch. That had happened on occasion when he was engrossed in his work.

We walked in, ensuring to close the door behind us.

"Hey Dean, you ready for lunch?" He looked up from his work and smiled once he saw us.

"Yeah, gimme two secs." We nodded and stood in silence.

After a few moments, Dean placed his pen on the desk and tidied his belongings.

We exchanged greetings properly and headed out of the office, I took a glance at Zachariah as we walked through the office and saw him staring at us.

We drove in Dean's car to the diner as usual and I waited until we were seated and had ordered a before mentioning Zachariah.

"Dean, Jo. Do you know Zachariah well?"

Jo made a disgusted look. "Ugh, don't bring up that creep."

Dean nodded in agreement, with a look of equal disgust present on his own face. "She's right, not the best employee I've ever hired, but he gets the job done."

I subconsciously knew that they would respond that way. "Well he came over to speak to me earlier and–"

"Yeah I noticed that, what did he want?" Jo interrupted.

"Well, the brunt of the conversation was that he asked if you and Jo were having intercourse, and then when I said no, he asked if Jo and I were having intercourse."

Jo grimaced. "I'm guessing he didn't say intercourse."

"No he uh– he asked if we were 'fucking'."

Jo made an exaggerated full body shiver as if there was something that she was attempting to shake off. "That guy's such a creep! I swear."

"He also threatened me." I felt Dean stiffen beside me, and saw his fists balled so hard that his knuckles had begun to turn white.

"He fucking did what? That son of a bitch is getting fired."

"Dean, you have no evidence on which to base your firing. He would need to do something with witnesses or something to you specifically."

Dean turned his glare down to his coke that had just been brought by Pamela. "I guess you're right. But he better not fucking touch you **or** Jo."

Jo nodded. "I don't want that bastard anywhere near me. What did he actually say to you?"

I stumbled trying to recall the conversation. "He said that I shouldn't mention our encounter to either of you or 'he has plans for me', and I'm assuming that it is not a trip to the park."

Dean and Jo laughed, despite their irritation. "Well I'm keeping an eye on the bastard, Jo don't go near him 'cause he clearly has a thing for you. And not a word that Castiel mentioned it to us, so no glaring at him from across the office, I'm not chancing him hurting Cas." We both nodded in silent agreement, clearly Jo and Dean had more knowledge on what Zachariah was capable of, and who I was I to question their judgement?

We did not speak another word of Zachariah that lunch, yet Dean was still visibly tense.

"So how are things going with Garth?"

Jo blushed slightly and looked down. "It's good; he's a real nice guy."

"I'm glad, what did he think of us the other night?"

"He said ya'll were friendly and welcoming, and 'pretty cool'. I like the fact that he likes my friends." Jo was now blushing profoundly with a large smile dancing on her lips.

Dean was very intrigued in Garth, perhaps trying to distract himself from Zachariah. "Is it official yet?"

"No, he hasn't asked me yet. We've been on like 4 dates and your party. He also stayed the night on Friday but we didn't do anything. I hope he likes me as much as I like him you know?"

I decided to answer this one. "Of course he does Jo; I saw the way that he looked at you when you weren't looking. To quote my friend Bobby, he was looking at you 'like the sun shines outta your ass'." Jo's blush turned a deeper scarlet at the last comment, whilst she giggled. I also heard Dean's almost inaudible laughter beside me.

Dean's laughter subsided and his expression turned quizzical. "Wait, Bobby? What's his full name?"

"Robert. Robert Singer." Dean's expression then turned to one of pure shock, and his jaw dropped as dramatically as it would in a cartoon.

"No way! That guy was like a second dad to me!" Jo's expression was also similar to Dean's.

"We've known him practically our whole lives," Jo added.

"Wow that is a large coincidence." Much like my therapist being Jo's mother, I inwardly thought. I did not want to unnecessarily bring it up.

"Dude that's so weird, at least I'm never gonna have to introduce you to people. You already know the majority of my family now." Dean nudged me in the ribs, with a teasing smile playing on his lips.

"I agree, that makes this whole thing a lot more manageable you know. I do not enjoy meeting new people, this is a pleasant situation."

Dean chuckled once more and pulled my hand discreetly under the table, entwining our fingers. Jo just gave us a look of silent acceptance. The way we were situated in the booth meant that nobody would be able to see our hands locked unless they were sitting where either Dean or I were.

For the rest of our lunch, we sat and ate with our hands interlocked. Which is a difficult thing to do when you have a two-handed burger that is willing to be eaten. Yet we managed nonetheless. It was comforting having Dean beside me, yet I still yearned to be that extra bit closer.

We finished at the diner and were back at Wall Street by 3:30. We walked in casually, but I noticed Dean steal a glance at Zachariah.

The rest of the afternoon was spent trying to ignore glares from Zachariah. Maintaining my focus on the work in front of me, whilst trying to brush off the cold stares I could practically feel.

Once it was 5 o'clock, I pretended not to notice so as to appear more casual as I went to see Dean after the majority of the office had left. Jo said her good-byes, informing us that everyone in the office was gone, and left Dean and I in his office.

I walked over and greeted him with a soft kiss on the lips, enough for him to grab me by my tie for a deeper kiss. "You can't give me that gentle shit when I haven't been able to kiss you all day dude, it's not fair." He smiled and gave me another peck.

We began discussing when we would watch the next Star Wars film when we heard the door to the office open. I immediately jumped away from Dean, standing at least a metre from his desk. We looked to the closed door of his office when Jo opened it, close to tears.

"What the fuck's happened?" Dean's eyebrows were furrowed in concern.

Clearly she was holding back the tears, as they reached the brim of her eyes. "Zachariah was waiting for me in the parking lot. He made a move on me and I turned him down. Then he took my hand and dragged me round the back of the building and pinned me against the wall. He leant in really close and called me a slut and a bitch and said that he could easily get someone ten times better than me," she paused for a breath just as the tears spilt over. "I told him to go to hell and he just snarled and tried to kiss me. I turned my head and tried pushing him off. He just called me a slut again and then walked away whistling."

Dean's face was now red with anger as he jumped up from where he was kneeling to talk to Jo. "That fucking bastard. I'm gonna fucking kill him!"

I tried to remain rational. "Dean sit down, you need to calm down. Obviously he has sexually harassed Jo, but there is nothing we can do. You have no way of firing him as there were no witnesses, it is his word against Jo's and I'm sorry to say this but no-one will believe Jo. You would have to get your bosses involved and they will immediately side with Zachariah." Dean looked at me with sadness present in his eyes.

"For fucks sake, you're right. Jo's got no hope, it's useless. I don't want him anywhere near her but we got no choice." Dean leant over and gave Jo and long, tight hug. She let the tears roll down onto his suit silently. Once Dean had let her go, I also walked over and gave her a hug.

"Next time I'm not gonna freeze up, next time he's getting my knee in his fucking groin." Jo wiped away her tears. "He's never getting that close to me again. The bastard."

Dean nodded. "You sure? We can walk you to your car and stuff to make sure he's not around you on your own? Although you're right, you'd be ready next time, and I'm sure you can definitely take him."

"Yeah I could probably manage; I just can't believe we don't have anything to get him fired with."

"I know, it's quite unfortunate. Maybe something will happen and we'll have enough cause. But we'll have to wait. Are you okay now, Jo?" I asked, genuinely concerned. It was a traumatic experience that she had just gone through.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just fucking pissed, but I'll deal. As long as I don't go anywhere near him I probably won't take his fucking head off, so we should be good."

"Same for me," Dean agreed.

"That is good. We should probably leave for home now that we know Jo is okay."

"Jo, do ya wanna stay round mine tonight?" She nodded. We gathered our belongings and left the office. I gave Dean a parting kiss before we walked down the stairs, knowing I couldn't do so in the parking lot.

We parted ways, Jo and Dean driving in their own cars to his apartment, and me in my own car back to my own apartment.

My evening from then on was considerably uneventful; I listened to music and ate dinner. Worry still filled my mind about Jo and Zachariah, yet I attempted to suppress the thoughts, knowing that there was nothing I could do.

I am writing now, as I have nothing more to do but sit with my own thoughts. So why not write them down. I am resisting the urge to call Dean and check up on him and Jo, but I know that the answer would be the same as earlier. So now I will leave to sleep, happy with the thoughts of seeing Dean in the morning.

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**Okay so I guess a lot of shit went down in the chapter but it's all important to the master plan etc of the fic. I apologise but Zachariah's gonna be really OOC ****in this fic, I just needed a character who was an asshole.**

**Hope you all liked the chapter, please favourite/follow/review if you enjoyed it!**

**Thanks for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, only the plot is mine.**_

_**Warnings:**__**Kids, avert your eyes, cause it gon' get sexy up in here.**_

**I'm so sorry for not posting this chapter for almost a month. I got super busy and had no time to write or edit or do anything really, so yeah, I hope this chapter makes up for it!**

**Thank you again for all the favourites/follows/reviews for this, they make me smile so much when I see them or read them! Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

_Friday 27__th__ July (1982)_

Dear Diary,  
Throughout the rest of the week we encountered no further problems with Zachariah, only glares from across the office. Jo was fine after spending the night with Dean and venting their anger to one another. I made sure that Dean and Jo kept their distance from him, and he never attempted to go near us. This week we have also not encountered any further problems with Zachariah, we are all hoping he has given up, considering Garth surprised Jo in the office with a proposition:

It was on Tuesday this week and it was almost noon. Everyone in the office has their lunch time at 12 for an hour. Dean, Jo and I are the only ones who leave for lunch, everybody else eats in the break room. The door to the main office opened and Garth came in with flowers, which were correctly assumed for Jo. She didn't notice him straight away, so I called him over.

"Hello Garth, I assume you have come to see Jo."

"Hey, Cas! Yeah, got somethin' I wanna ask her."

I looked over to Zachariah's desk and saw his eyes focused on us, screwed together. I lowered my voice, "I see, did you hear about Zachariah?"

He visibly flinched at the name. "Yeah I heard. The dick's in here right?" I nodded. "I thought so, well hopefully he'll think twice after this."

"Good luck, her desk is over there."

He smiled, yet remained tense. "Thanks bud."

I walked closely behind him, anxious to see what Jo's reaction would be to the question I was assuming he'd ask. She lit up once she saw him approaching her desk and jumped around to hug him.

"Garth! What are you doin' here?" She grinned, giving him a small peck on the lips. "And you brought me flowers, sweetie you didn't need to do that!" He grinned back at her, and the connection I could see between them was unbreakable. I stole a glance at Zachariah and saw him still glaring at Garth, boring his gaze deep into his skull.

When I faced them again, Garth had pulled Jo at arm's length. "I came here to ask you somethin'," he paused to hand her the flowers. "Joanna Beth Harvelle, will you be my girlfriend?"

I had never seen a person 'gush' before, but I am pretty certain that it is the perfect word to describe Jo's behaviour in that moment. She pulled him by arms into a tight hug as she ran her fingers through his hair. Before she pulled back slightly, "yes of course!" and then gave him a slightly longer kiss.

Dean had come out of his office just before Garth asked and was looking at them with awe in his eyes, smiling more than I had ever seen him smile before. I walked over to him and was envious of Jo and Garth, we could not display our affection in public like that, we couldn't have the entire office – barring Zachariah – coo and aw over our relationship.

"We're all happy for you Jo; you're a brave guy Garth." Jo walked over and playfully punched Dean on the arm, slightly harder than intended. Dean jumped away, "ouch, watch it. I'm still your boss," he winked.

"Yeah yeah, whatever." She said although the smile remained etched into her features.

"Congratulations Jo, I hope you're both very happy together."

"Thank you, Cas!" She pulled me in for a hug which I happily returned.

"Hey! How comes he gets a hug and I get punched?"

She grinned once more, and grabbed Dean by the tie into a long 'bear hug'. I took the opportunity to properly congratulate Garth.

"I am happy for you Garth, she really likes you." I put out my hand which he grabbed enthusiastically.

"Thanks man, I'm so lucky."

"Yes you are, now let Cas go." I realised he was still roughly shaking my hand.

"Hey Jo, you guys can go out for lunch together now, Cas and I will be alright on your own at lunch later." She pulled Dean in for another hug, and whispered 'I bet you will be' into his ear, along with a 'thank you'.

She and Garth headed out shortly after that, and Dean and I got to eat lunch together, although it felt odd without Jo.

It was a lovely event to witness, and Jo and Garth are still happily dating after 4 days of being together. But it occurred to me on Tuesday that although I had told Ellen that Dean and I were dating, neither of us had officially asked the other in almost 2 weeks. Especially with the amount of time we spend together, and I decided that tonight would be the night that I asked Dean.

We had decided on Thursday night that I would stay at Dean's apartment, and he would take me to therapy on Saturday as he did the first time I stayed at his. So on Friday morning I collected my things to put into my briefcase after I had dropped my car off in the evening. I took some casual jeans and a t-shirt and some underwear. Along with my own toothbrush, not wanting a repeat of Dean forcing me to use his against my will.

The day passed slowly, yet 5 came around eventually, and I do not think I have ever packed up my belongings quicker. I was outside Dean's office at 2 minutes past.

"Wow Cas, slow down there. You'll get whip lash."

I spun my head around to stare at Jo, slightly flustered from rushing across the office, and blushing from her observation.

I walked over to her, speaking quietly and ensuring only we could hear. "It has been a long week, Dean and I have not seen each other outside work and the diner since last weekend." We'd had busy weeks, Dean was out with Sam on Tuesday and he'd had a lot of work. Plus, I didn't want him to see too much of me and become bored, so I restrained myself.

"I know I know, I'd be the same if I didn't see Garth on Tuesday. It's hard I know, but you've got this weekend, ya'll can spend time together then."

"And you with Garth."

She smiled, "you know when you first started workin' here we were all single and lonely. Now look at us."

I nodded in agreement, my own smile residing on my features. "That is true; it is an ideal situation for us all. I am glad that I have you and Dean."

"Definitely, hey look he's coming."

I turned and saw Dean exiting his office, armed with his own belongings, locking his office behind him.

"You ready to go?" I nodded, and we all exited to the stairwell.

Outside of the building we gave Jo parting hugs and then drove to mine in our separate cars. I parked my car in its usual spot, and ran upstairs – quite literally – to my apartment to gather my belongings I'd laid out earlier. I emptied the work related items from my briefcase and replaced them with the things I'd need for the weekend. I was back down and in the Impala in less than 10 minutes.

I opened the door whilst he had his eyes closed, tapping on the steering wheel along to what I recognised as Black Sabbath. He did not notice me till I slammed the door shut. "Damnit Cas, you're not on somethin' are ya? That was pretty damn quick."

Through my laughter, I managed "no Dean, I assure you I am not on anything. Now drive."

"I get all tingly when you take control like that." I rolled my eyes as he pulled out at a slightly scary speed.

Once we had made it to Dean's apartment, at an increasingly rapid pace, and up the 5 five flights of stairs, I pulled him into his living room, slamming the front door shut behind us. I turned around and pushed him against the door. I slowly leant my face in close to his, both of our breathing heavy from the many flights of stairs. "Dean... Winchester," I slowly breathed out. "I have been waiting for you all day."

After the final word Dean grabbed me by the back of my neck and pulled me in, succumbing to the temptation we had to ignore each and every time we saw each other throughout the day.

Our lips moved against one another's skilfully and familiarly, we had shared enough kisses to know what the other would do, probably before they knew. The taste of him against my lips was something I had grown accustomed to, coffee intermingled with chewing gum he often ate at work when he became hungry.

He leant our foreheads together smiling, "your fucking voice does things to me man."

I grinned, kissing him one last time before picking up my briefcase – which I had dropped in the heat of the moment, and made my way to the first door on the right.

After placing it down on the chest of drawers, I walked back out to see Dean standing with a bottle of wine.

He shrugged his shoulders, "we have the night to ourselves," as well as raising his eyebrows.

"I think we should make dinner again, if you have the ingredients."

"Let me guess, burgers?" I laughed at how well he knew me and nodded.

I helped out more this time, following the way he had prepared it the previous time. We sat down on the couch to eat, with the bottle of wine in between us, taking sips between bites.

"Hey Cas, put the radio on while I go put the plates in the sink."

"Okay, should I change the station at all?"

"Nah its fine dude, it'll be on the right one."

I nodded and walked over, turning it on just as a song I didn't recognise finished, and another song I didn't recognise began.

"Ah I love this song!" Dean walked over to me, pulling me back down onto the couch.

"What song is it, Dean?" I turned to face him as his eyes widened in shock.

"You don't know it?"

I shook my head, "no I've never heard it before."

"Shit really? Not even on like the radio in public at all?" I shook my head once more. At that, Dean got up and began mouthing the words.

_Rising up to the challenge of our rival, and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night and he's watching us all_, at that line dean lifted up his leg, strumming against it as if it were a guitar.

_With the eye... of the tiger, _and he raised his hands from his sides, as if raising a response. Being the only person in the room – also laughing in hysterics, I began clapping his performance.

"That was really something Dean." He laughed with me, taking another sip of the wine. I pulled him back down onto the sofa, I knew that was then was the perfect time to ask him. Just as I opened my mouth to speak, he beat me to the punch line.

"Cas, there's something I wanna ask you. I know we've been seeing each other, and I know that we never made it official. So, first off I just want you to know how much you mean to me." He paused, waiting for a response; I felt my heart pounding in my chest and nodded. He grabbed the bottle and took another swig, before placing it down and taking my hand in his.

"Before I met you, I wasn't happy. I mean, I wasn't gonna kill myself or anything, I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to live. I was tired, and I was done. I felt like I was just going through the motions, but there was no real purpose. I probably could have dropped off the grid – gone to Europe or somethin', and the only people who would have noticed would have been Sammy, Jo and Charlie. Even then, I'm not sure it would have been a great loss for them." He paused, taking a deep breath. "Then you came in for your interview, this nervous, beautiful man. With the deepest blue eyes I'd ever fucking seen, I had a hard time tearing my eyes away from them, and I had a hard time keeping up that asshole act. I'd done it so many times before, but it felt 100 times worse doing it to you. So I gave you the job. And I got to know you." Dean smiled, bringing his hand up and stroking the side of my cheek, and he left me tingling from the touch. "You're funny, intelligent and probably the kindest person I've ever met. You've given me a purpose and made me happy. I mean I don't mind going through the motions when I'm going through them with you. So Cas, will you uh- will you be my boyfriend?"

I brought my hands up and pulled his face into mine, bringing his lips to mine, so we became one. Smiling against his lips I felt better than I thought I ever had before. I rested my forehead against his, before finally replying. "I'm surprised you even had to ask, although I was planning on asking the same thing." I pulled my head back to see Dean open his eyes, shock evident.

"You were?"

I nodded, "Yes. Just when you started to ask me, I was about to ask you."

He was smiling with awe in his eyes, "and how would you have asked me?"

"Well first off, I want to say that I have literally nothing that could top your speech, thank you so much I don't think even I understand how lucky I am to have you. I would have said, Dean Winchester. Before I met **you**, I was lonely. I had very little friends and nothing to do with my life except work, sleep and repeat. I was going through this nervous disorder on my own, and then you came and gave me **something**. It felt like I was doing those things, but doing them with you made it so much more interesting. You gave me a chance and didn't think I was the weird guy in the corner, you let me in straight away and got to know **me**, you understood how difficult it is to go through this nervous disorder. With you, I'm not lonely. And I never want to be lonely again. So Dean, would you be my boyfriend?"

He reciprocated my previous actions, placing his hands on my face and pulling me in for a kiss. "I'm surprised you had to ask." He pulled me in for another kiss and I leant down so that my head was leaning against the arm rest. Dean was leaning above me, his knees now straddling my waist and bent down, kissing me more passionately than I had ever been kissed before. He ran his hands through my hair whilst I had my hands on his hips, moving them against my own.

He started trailing hungry kisses down my neck; he moved his hands from my hair and attempted to unbutton my shirt. Finally getting them all undone, he ripped open my shirt and stopped dead, looking at my chest. He ran his hand down it as he did two weeks before. He leant his head down to whisper in my ear, "you're beautiful."

The words sent blood rushing through my cheeks, and I put my hand around his neck pulling his lips against mine again. As he continued to thrust his hips against mine, I skilfully undid the many buttons on his own shirt, a lot quicker than he had managed to. I pulled his shirt off of him and he proceeded to do the same to me. Once our shirts had been carelessly flung onto Dean's cream rug, I ran my fingers through Dean's hair and pulled his head down, so his ear was next to my lips.

"I suggest that we move into the bedroom, Winchester."

He nodded and stood, grabbing my hand and pulling me up too. He led me the few metres into his bedroom. He stood in front of the bed and turned to face me, just before his lips met mine I pushed him onto the bed. He laid waiting, and I slowly took off my trousers. I left them where I had been standing, bent down and unzipped his trousers and unhurriedly slipped them off. I climbed onto him so that my legs were now straddling him. Leaning down to kiss him, I remembered what Dean had said before; he had never liked a man before me. This meant he had never been intimate with a man before. Before I had time to act on the realisation, Dean had rolled us over so now I was laying and he was leaning on me. His muscled arms just inches from my face as he held his weight above me.

He planted kisses down my chest till he reached my boxers. He tugged them off gently and leaning on one arm, he pulled his own off. Dean was now fully naked above me, and he was the most beautiful man I had ever seen, every piece of skin was the definition of perfect, and I could not believe my luck that he was mine.

He leant over to the drawer near his bed and pulled out a condom and some lubrication gel. Without asking I gently took them from him. After pulling him in for another kiss, I whispered, "Now turn over."

He quickly complied. I slipped on the condom and applied the lubrication where necessary. I placed myself at his entrance and asked, "Are you ready, Dean?" I saw him nod swiftly. And so I pushed into him, before I paused, allowing Dean to get used to the feeling. "Tell me when to move."

He waited a few seconds, moving slightly until it was more comfortable. Until he breathily forced out "move."

I obeyed, thrusting in and out, slowly at first then increasing speed. After multiple thrusts, Dean made another sound I hadn't heard, and I felt him shudder beneath me, aiming correctly I thrust hitting the same spot again, and again. Using his own hand, he began to move it along his own length, pleasure rising in both of us. Holding myself, I let Dean reach his climax first. The white split out over the sheets, until I too climaxed inside Dean. I gently pulled out, and turned Dean's face, planting another kiss on his lips, until they were redder than before, and slightly more swollen.

"Be right back." Dean got up from the bed, and I sat there patiently waiting for him to return. He came back with fresh sheets in hand, grinning widely. "Better take more precaution next time, eh?" I smiled back, feeling even happier than I had felt earlier.

We changed the sheets together, stripping the dirty ones and replacing them with fresh ones. Afterwards, we got into the bed, where we lay together, fingers entwined.

I felt Dean's breath on my neck, his mouth near my ear. "You're so beautiful, you know that?"

I was grateful for the darkness as I had been the first night I spent at Dean's apartment, the familiar rush of blood at being complimented filling my cheeks. "A pauper bears no comparison to a prince." I replied.

His turned his head to face me, yet I remained staring at the ceiling. "You don't think you're beautiful? You don't see what I see?"

"Dean, I have no problem with not liking my appearance. When I look into a mirror, the only thing I want to see is you beside me."

"Cas, you may have a beautiful face and body, but your soul is so much more than that. The mirror can't see what I see, because I see your soul. And it shines brighter than the sun, it glows and it radiates purity. Cas, if you ever look into the mirror and I'm not beside you, it's because I'm dead. I'd never be stupid enough to let you go."

I turned his face to meet his lips with mine, for a short, yet passionate kiss. "Good, because you can't get rid of me that easily, you're in this for the long haul now."

He chuckled into the darkness. And we lay in silence for minutes, or hours. Time passes differently when I'm with Dean. Feeling his warmth on my side, his soft fingers laced into mine, days could go by and it wouldn't faze me.

"Cas, I want you to meet Sammy." That was something I had not been expecting. I didn't know if I was ready to meet his family yet, and how would I have been introduced? His boyfriend? A work colleague, a friend?

"Dean are you sure that it is a good idea? Does he know about us?"

I heard Dean sigh beside me, unsure whether it was a good or bad thing. "Yeah, he knows. And he's completely fine with it, I swear."

"Well then I'd love to meet him. When could we meet?"

"I've kinda invited him over for dinner tomorrow night, if you wanted to meet then?"

Still slightly nervous, I replied, "Of course, tomorrow night sounds perfect."

He planted a light kiss on my cheek, before slowly drifting off, and it was not long before I joined him, despite my nervousness at meeting his brother, Dean's presence beside me was comfort enough.

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**So Sammy's coming into it next chapter, and stuff's gonna start getting fucked up. In a few chapters, you all really won't like me.**

**But anyways, as always I hope you all liked the chapter and please favourite/follow/review if you enjoyed it!**

**Thanks for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, only the plot is mine.**_

_******I hope you're all enjoying season 9! Episode 3 almost killed me I swear, I hope the beginning of this chapter can temporarily numb the pain. Good luck on Tuesday guys!**_

**Thank you again for all the favourites/follows/reviews for this, they make me smile so much when I see them or read them! Hope you enjoy this chapter! **

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_Saturday 28__th__ July (1982)_

Dear Diary,  
I awoke to a profound lack of warmth on Dean's side of the bed. I slowly dug the heels of my hands into my eyes, rubbing until I could open them and see clearly. I felt about beneath the sheets and fully realised that Dean was not beside me. I casually pulled myself from the comfort of the bed with a small groan, before looking down and remembering that I was naked. Self-consciousness crept upon me in the daylight, and I began searching around Dean's room for my boxers at least. I managed to find them flung carelessly on the floor, blushing and slightly swooning, remembering how they had landed there. I pulled them on and gave up looking for any other clothing. I walked from Dean's room, into the living room where Dean was still nowhere to be found. I shrugged, figuring maybe he was in the shower when a voice startled me.

"Mornin', sunshine." Dean smirked from the kitchen.

I walked over to where he was standing with a mug of coffee hot between his hands. "Good morning handsome." I pressed a small kiss to his cheek before my stomach growled.

"You want a coffee? Just made myself one." I nodded, and Dean began brewing. "You know, you got a bad case of sex hair." I subconsciously ran a hand through the overgrowing locks. Dean quickly added to his previous statement. "Not that I mind. Just a good reminder of last night." He winked before he looked back to the coffee.

"It was most enjoyable Dean." He handed me the coffee whilst smirking.

"Damn dude, we've slept together and you still talk to me like you did in that interview. But I wouldn't change it for anythin'."

"Well that's good; I don't think I could change it. What time is it Dean?"

He looked at his watch, slender fitting on his wrist. "It's just gone 10. You need me to take you to therapy again?" I nodded. "Okay. You gotta pick up your diary and stuff again too?"

"Yes, my wallet also. I feel like I should shower before therapy, considering the events of last night."

"I agree." He paused for a moment. "You know, we could uh– take a shower together if you wanted." He looked back up, raising his eyebrows.

"I would not object to that, Dean." I smiled before grabbing his hand and leading him toward the bathroom.

Dean removed his bathrobe and began to turn the water on. He stepped into the shower, leaving me standing alone in the middle of the bathroom floor. He popped his head out from inside the shower, "well don't just stand there lookin' pretty, get in."

I blushed, before removing my boxers and stepping into the shower. We were in close proximity, and the heat from the water steamed up the glass. I could feel Dean's breath on my face as I leant in closer, never close enough. He pressed his lips against mine, and I found that I didn't mind the heat.

The shower was a particularly distracted event; the water beat down on us and turned out to be the only thing actually cleansing us. We never got around to washing, the mere sight of Dean before me was enough to mesmerise the sense from me.

After our shower, we stepped out into the seemingly colder room. Wrapping ourselves warm in Dean's fluffy cream towels, the feel of it against my skin was second only to Dean's own skin.

We got dressed and sat watching a video on Dean's television set. I cannot remember the name of the movie, as we spent most of the time talking and looking at each other, rather than paying attention to the action happening on the screen. Yet it was an amiable way to pass the time.

Eventually we left to go to my apartment so I could pick up my diary, wallet and some other needed items; and made it to Ellen's office at precisely 2pm. After speaking to the receptionist, Dean and I made our way to sit in the waiting area.

Dean and I sat close, just like we had before until Ellen came out. "Dean. What a surprise to see you here, boy." Ellen spoke sarcastically, with a smile placed on her face.

"Nice to see you too, Ellen." Dean grinned; he stood up and gave her a hug.

"You wanna come in for a chat before we start Cas' session, if he doesn't mind that is." She turned to me and I nodded.

"Awesome." We all walked into Ellen's office, closing the door behind us.

We sat down, and Dean and I now sat comfortably hand in hand.

"Now Dean, would it kill ya to ring once in a while? You lost my number boy?"

It was as if Dean was being scorned by a parent, the relationship they had was seemingly very close.

"Sorry Ellen, been busy ya know. With work and everything."

"I know I know, I just worry. Check in with Bobby too, he'd never admit it but he misses you."

I smiled to myself, thinking about how Bobby would miss Dean. And it reminded me that I should also check in with Bobby, I had been so caught up in my new job and being with Dean that I had forgotten to contact him.

"Awfully quiet there Cas."

"I apologise, I was just remembering something."

"Don't worry about it. I must say though boys, you two look adorable together. I can see what Jo has been goin' on about." She smiled, leaning back in her chair.

"Thank you Ellen. I am very happy." Dean squeezed my fingers.

"As am I. Tell Jo to watch her mouth though, can't have her spillin' **all **of the beans." Ellen leant over her desk and smacked Dean over the head with the back of her hand. I had to stifle a laugh as Dean pouted.

"Don't try and use one of your brother's bitchfaces, that doesn't work from him and it definitely won't work from you."

Dean sighed. "I know, worth a shot though, eh?"

"Definitely not Dean. Ring me some time okay? Don't be a stranger. Now get outta my office, I got a client here."

"As you wish... ma'am." He grinned before practically running out of the office incase she threw something.

"That boy is such a child at times." I smiled silently in agreement.

The appointment went quickly and as it usually did. We discussed how even though my anxiety attacks have been less frequent; they've been just as severe. She gave me suggestions on how to handle them when they are particularly bad, and I left the session feeling refreshed.

Dean looked up when he heard us leaving Ellen's office and I couldn't help but smile at how his face brightened. He placed the newspaper he was reading back down on the table and walked over to us.

"See you soon, Ellen."

"See you, boys."

We walked to where the Impala was parked and got in.

"Okay, we gotta go to the store to pick up some ingredients for dinner tonight."

The reminder that I was going to meet Sam that evening made my stomach churn, yet I smiled regardless. "Okay, what are you going to cook?"

"Well, Sammy's a health nut so it's gonna be Panzanella." I looked at him quizzically. "It's basically bread salad. Doesn't beat burgers but it's still pretty good, especially how I make it." He winked.

"I'm sure it is Dean, but I'll be the judge of that later. What are you making for dessert?"

"I'll give you one guess."

I barely had to think about the answer, it flowed off of my tongue. "Apple pie."

"Good job, I would have broken up with you if you got that one wrong." I teasingly nudged him in the arm.

Once we arrived at the store, I trailed along behind Dean as he whisked us up and down different aisles, collecting lots of different ingredients that I'm sure are essential to the dish.

"Dean, how many more aisles do we have to traipse up and down? My legs are beginning to ache."

"You know who whines?" I tilted my head. "Babies." He said, tapped me on my arm and walked down to a different aisle. I sighed, reluctantly following him.

As we paid for our items, the cashier – a noticeably pretty, brunette haired woman shamelessly flirted with Dean. And whilst I'm sure the attention gave him a significant ego boost, he ignored it. Smiling in thanks as he paid yet nothing more. That action alone made me feel more wanted than I had previously.

We made it back to Dean's apartment at 4 and so he began cooking immediately. I stood in the kitchen with a glass of wine, watching as he meticulously prepared the meal. I understood none of what he was doing, and so stayed back – not wanting to mess up the food. That would not have been a good start to the evening.

After the meal was prepared and the pie was ready to be cooked later, we went and got changed into smarter clothing – I had picked up a dress shirt when I had been at my apartment earlier.

Sam was scheduled to arrive at half past 7, and by 7:15 I was a nervous wreck.

The sweat had begun to show under my arms, and my hand shook against Dean's.

"Calm down Cas, it's gonna be fine."

"You don't know that Dean, what if he hates me. You can't keep dating me if your brother doesn't approve. I refuse to split you up. Oh my god this was a bad idea–"

"Cas stop. He's gonna love you. And besides, I'd still date you even if Sam thought you were the worst person on the world. He doesn't decide who I date, and I don't decide who he dates. We wouldn't let a partner come between us. So relax, and enjoy the evening."

Dean's words helped to slightly calm me, yet I couldn't help feel the panic grow. I began to feel sick and my legs began to feel weak. I got up to get some water just as the door bell rang. I rushed to the sink, gulping down sips as Dean walked over to the door.

I finished and slowly turned around as Dean opened the door.

In the doorway stood an abnormally large man, his chestnut hair was flowing past his ears, scruffily tucked back behind them. From where I was standing I could see large brown eyes, crinkled around the edges as he smiled at his brother. Dean pulled him into a hug, and they stood embraced as if they had not seen each other for years.

Eventually they broke apart and Dean suddenly turned to me. I realised that I was just standing there, so I willed my feet to move and slowly stumbled over to where Sam had just closed the door.

"Sam, this is Cas. Cas, this is my brother Sammy."

Sam gave a look similar to Dean's face earlier at Ellen's and I assumed that this was the 'bitchface' she had been speaking of. "It's Sam." He held his hand out and I suddenly became aware of my extremely sweaty palms. Spluttering, I wiped them unsubtly on my trousers before grabbing his hand and shaking it. As he shook my hand he pulled me into a hug, like the one he had just given his brother.

"It's really nice to meet you Cas. I hear you've been making my brother happy, so welcome to the family." The nausea already began to subside as I realised just how lovely Sam was. He immediately made me feel at ease, and made me feel welcome.

"Thank you Sam, your brother makes me very happy too." Dean grabbed my hand as we stood, and Sam smiled.

"It's about time he found someone, even **I**," he made air quotes, "'the great dork Sam Winchester' found somebody before he did." Dean playfully nudged Sam in the ribs and the relationship they shared was not alike any I had seen before.

"What is the name of your girlfriend Sam?"

He smiled with awe, "she's called Jess. We've been together for 4 years. Damn, almost 5."

"Wow that is quite impressive. How did you meet?"

"We met at Stanford. Cliché college romance I guess."

Dean spoke, "Sammy here is the real brains of the family. I talked my way into my job, as Sammy worked his way into his."

Sam blushed slightly and smiled. "Dean's too hard on himself, but he's not wrong. I do consider myself the brains."

"And that makes me the brawn." Dean flexed his arms while Sam rolled his eyes, pulling another bitchface.

"Come on, I guess we should eat." Dean turned to Sam. "Bitch."

"Jerk." Sam said smiling, before following Dean and I to the table that was placed in the left corner of the main living room.

Sam took a seat that I assumed he normally sat at, while I sat at the seat opposite. Dean left to serve the salad, leaving Sam and I to talk.

"Would you like some wine, Sam?" I gestured to the open bottle on the table.

"My brother pass his drinking habits onto you?"

I laughed slightly. "I guess you could say that, I did not drink too often before I met him."

"I'm not surprised, but yeah some wine would be good please." I poured him a glass and he spoke again. "So Dean told me you're an accountant at the firm, sounds like a pretty tough job as you're the only one."

"It can be quite challenging at times, but if I screw up I doubt that Dean would punish me too severely."

"Don't test me, Novak." Dean called out from the kitchen. Both Sam and I laughed.

"I'll be sure to come into the office more often, I'm hardly ever there at the moment." Dean came over with the plates at that point, serving up dinner.

"Yes you should, you could maybe join Dean, Jo and I for lunch one day." I felt comfortable enough at this point to ask.

"I'd love that. Although maybe not too frequently, I don't know if I can handle that diner crap too much."

"Hey." Dean and I both said simultaneously.

"Don't crap on the diner food; we practically live off of that stuff."

Sam was laughing considerably now at how defensive we had become over the diner food. He held his hands up, giving in. "Okay okay, I apologise. This looks good though, and healthy."

"Yeah, especially for you, we all know that my cooking is the best so I can make even this taste good."

"I'm not gonna argue with you there, I don't know why you never became a chef."

"That's true Dean, your cooking is remarkable." I added.

"Nah, I never took to that lifestyle. I couldn't handle the rush of customers, at least at the office it's quiet and I just have to shout occasionally if people fuck up. Like Cas I get a bit anxious if there are too many people around or talking at me." My eyes widened slightly at how casually Dean brought that up.

"Like Cas?" Dean's eyes widened then, realising what he must have just said.

"Ah shit Cas I'm sorry." Sam looked substantially confused. I decided that he would have found out eventually, it is not too large of a problem for Sam to know.

"Do not worry about it, I have a nervous disorder, it can get worse around people."

"Ah I see, that sucks." His eyes screamed sincerity. "I hope that it gets better for you. I can't imagine what it's like."

"Well he says that it's been better since he met me, he gets them less and stuff when he's with me." I couldn't believe Dean had been so 'superhero' about my disorder, as if he was my knight in shining armour, and the only way I could be better was if I had him.

I did not want to cause a scene with Sam present, so I bit my tongue and smiled. "Thank you Sam."

The rest of the evening went smoothly, Sam and I got on well, and I pushed Dean's comments to the back of my mind. I found out more about Sam's girlfriend Jess, and we discussed that I should also meet her. She sounds lovely from Sam's description, and I also found out some embarrassing stories from Sam and Dean's childhood. The story about Dean trying on 'Rhonda Hurley's pink satin panties' was by far my favourite. It had me in hysterics.

The apple pie Dean had made was just as delicious if not more, than the one from the diner. And it was almost midnight by the time that Sam left.

Dean fumbled about in the kitchen, washing the plates from dinner and I knew that I had to bring up his comments.

The thought of confrontation made my palms sweat yet I knew I had to mention it. That was the only way for the relationship to continue to be healthy and committed.

I walked over to the kitchen after putting away the table setting. "Uh– Dean." I started, playing with my hands.

"Yeah?"

"There was something you said earlier. About how my anxiety attacks are better when I'm around you. About how you make them better. I think you misunderstood my previous comments. Yes I get them less frequently, but they are also just as severe. You're not my knight in shining armour Dean, so please don't act as you are. I do not need anyone to 'save me'."

He turned around from the dishes, his face crumpled and his eyebrows tilted in confusion. "I'm not trying to 'save you' Cas... I just meant that you said it was better around me. I'm not trying to be your 'knight in shining armour' or whatever you fuckin' said. Don't act as if I did something wrong."

Now my own eyebrows inverted. "Dean, that's not what I meant and you know it. This isn't something that will magically stop, I'm going to have this and it's not going to get better just because I'm around you."

"Well isn't that a good thing to fuckin' hear. I can't even make my own fuckin' boyfriend feel better. And to think I thought I was actually making a difference." He turned back to the dishes in the sink, scrubbing them violently, making the water splash down the sides.

"You think that just because I have you now this is just going to go away? Dean that's not how it works! It's not going to go away just because I found someone, you can't fix me!"

"Everything broken can be fixed." He mumbled.

"Excuse me? What did you say?" I felt rage boiling from the pits of stomach.

"Nothing Cas, nothing."

"You think I'm fucking broken? Well I'm sorry, how about I just take my broken self and just get out of your way." I walked to the coffee table and grabbed my car keys, whilst Dean quickly wiped his hands dry.

"No Cas, don't leave I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. It just came out 'cause I was angry. Please stay."

"I'm too damaged for this perfect little bubble you've got here Dean; I wouldn't want to burst it. Good night." I walked rapidly out of his apartment, slamming the door behind me. The last thing I heard was an angry "Damn it!" and a bang on the door as I approached the stair well.

I felt tears prick in my eyes and I refused to cry. Refusal was futile however as I walked down the flights of stairs, lone tears made their way down my face, and I angrily brushed them off. Slightly tipsy from the wine I got into my car and made my way to my apartment. My face was red from rubbing the salty tears from my cheeks, and I kept replaying the conversation over in my head. Unable to think of anything but Dean. His words were harsh, yet so were my own. And maybe I had overreacted, but Dean also overreacted. He could have apologised. Yet there I was, rushing up the stairs to my apartment, deflated and alone.

I stormed into my apartment, the door slamming behind me. I ran straight to my bedroom, and lay down. Dean's words swirling in my head, enveloping me in my own despair. Unable to get the thoughts from my mind, so not for the first time, I let myself drown in them.

* * *

**So yeah. Sorry about that. (I'm not really sorry, angst is fun to write). But I hope the meeting with Sam was as accurate as you all think it would be. **

**The line **"you know who whines? Babies." **is from 6x19 "Mommy Dearest." I love that line, so I really wanted to include it.**

**As always I hope you all liked the chapter and please favourite/follow/review if you enjoyed it!**

**Thanks for reading!**


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